Tuesday, February 8, 2011


I got me a job.... Yup. Its true. I'm back home again, and had to resort to manuel labor to finally find someone who would hire me, despite best efforts. I swear online applications are completely useless! but I did them anyways... And shoot, they take forever! I must have spent the better part of a week on 15 or so applications... and... youtube...
But that's all beside the point. I have a job doing some manufaturing up at a steel mill up in Commerce City. By job I mean, moving heavy metal things and trying my best not to die, so far with moderate success. We use what we refer to as an overhead crane (pictured above) to move huge pieces of metal above our heads. Its a more suited change of pace towards my naturally lazy-American-self. I have migrated from moving things by hand, to making machines do the work for me! Its no wonder that this group of non-English-speaking illegals strike me as more intellegent than those at the moving company. (*"Guys, I had a thought... What if... instead of carrying these... we use those giant crane things up there to do it for us?")
Speaking of laziness, if you are wondering if you can match or even exceed my laziness, first you must outperform these measures:

1) Are you so lazy, that you actually loose weight because the cupboards are too far away from the couch, or because Little Ceazer's doesn't deliver, and the store is over a block away? I lost 14 pounds last semester, and I promise you that it wasn't from diet or exercise. (Although it is partly my lack of any money whatsoever, and Taco Bell's refusal to barter tacos for used Text Books. What a bunch of hypocrites...)

2) Are you willing to brave sub-0 degree (in F) weather in a T-shirt because you don't want to run up a flight of stairs to get a jacket. (And that's not even to mention the things I've done to avoid getting shoes)
3) Have items within your vision been too far away to go get? I'm actually not making this up, I was watching TV the other day when a commercial came on advertising this new devise that combines your TV and internet so that, "...now you don't need to get up and walk all the way to your computer to check your Facebook..." I couldn't believe a device this is on the market. I mean really? All the way to the computer? What in your front room? Obviously, America has done something right to receive this great blessing from Heaven!
And final food for thought, Why in the new Captain America trailer... is the chick British. Not the actress, listen to the accent. Why, in the expanded universe, would a British chick be in a Captain America movie? Do I need to emphasize America more? I mean I'm lazy... but I don't want to even meet the guy who did that...
Now I'll leave you with a fitting quote from one of my favorite movies, Fantastic Mr. Fox.
They say all foxes are slightly allergic to linoleum -- but it’s cool to the paw. Try it. They say my tail needs to be dry-cleaned twice a month -- but it’s now fullydetachable. See? They say our tree may never grow back -- but, one day, something will. Yes, these Crackles are made out of synthetic goose, and these Giblets come from artificial squab, and even these apples look fake -- but at least they've got stars on them. I guess my point is -- we'll eat tonight, and we'll eat together, and even in this not particularly flattering light, you are without a doubt, the five-and-a-half most wonderful wild animals I’ve ever met in my life. So let’s raise our boxes to our survival."