Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sandwiches all Around

WUD UP LOITERERS IM WRITIN THIS FROM PITTSBURGH! woah baby baby. And to show you the ridiculous amount of Pittsburgh pride that is beaming from my very soul. I don't think it's a medical condition but were still waitin on the lab results. I present to you... drum roll please! THE Primanti Brothers sandwich!

mmhm. That picture there touches the heart.
Now I'm sure many of you might have heard the outrageous rumors that Pittsburgh is... dare I say it.. dirty... old.. past its time.. lost its magic. OH MY GOSH! FREAKIN LOOK!

magical. right there. ya feel it? of course ya do. deep breath and take all that in. Now Nick I know that in my practice blog bs thing I expressed the love for Pittsburgh.. but the loiterers didn't see that.. so after this post I'll be done. I would pinky promise, cross my heart.. swear on my breakfast.. but that's going a little too far.
Christmas has recently occured.. I hope yours went well and there was no embarssing underwear gifts or tragic ski accidents.. such as wettin your pants on the ski lift.. ouch. Mine was way good with the exception of the fact that I told all my friends to fly into Pittsburgh.. and they all laughed.. they thought I was kidding.. ha. I came home to my house after being away for four months to find that we moved our mailbox to the neighbors yard... the haters kept smashing it when they thought it was ours... without the mailbox in it's usual place I barely recognized the place! at least the rumors that my father gave my fish away were nothing but false and entirely uncalled for.
MERRY CHRISTMAS LOITERERS! It's a little late but none of the other authors said it! Now that wasn't very considerate of them... not very considerate at all. Live it up guys and keep it real. peace.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


Ok Loitrons, I know I just wrote an entry a mere three days ago, but something has happened, and I feel the unrelenting need to write about it.
As you probably guessed from the title, I saw Avatar last night. I had the Idea of giving you a semi-review of this film. Let's start with what first comes to my mind about it.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLYYYYYYYY &&&&&%%%*%%*$%%**^($*&$$&HGSR)E^HIDTGK_%)UY%^H^(#$IQ#$UT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*$*T&*#$%&%^*#!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right, I had to censor myself so Nick doesn’t delete this. It’s that amazing. I saw a 3D showing last night, and let me tell you, this movie and its special effects are absolutely unreal. Before the movie even starts, a few of the trailers are in 3D, so you’re already like “Whoa, dude, it’s like coming out of the screen!” Then they have this robot dog, and he has a ball, then the ball hovers in the air and FREAKING FLOATS OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE AND STARTS DANCING ABOVE THE FIRST FEW ROWS!!!!!!! Then it turns into the Real3D logo, and half the audience, myself included, is already pissing themselves in excitement.
And this is all before the movie even starts.
When the movie starts...
It’s hard to even put into words how good these effects are. Apparently it took over 300 million dollars to make this movie, and it's immediately apparent why. In addition to the weird, 9 foot tall kitten people, there are all kinds of crazy animals and plants on this planet Pandora, where the movie takes place. Plus the futuristic military base, helicopters, and gunships. Everything is spectacular, everything looks 3-dimensional, and EVERYTHING LOOKS REAL. These crazy blue people, with their weird eyes and noses and blue skin and tentacle ponytails(you’ll have to see it to understand that one) look INSANELY REAL. THE CRAZY FOREST PLANET LOOKS INSANELY REAL. THE MILITARY TECHNOLOGY AND WAR HELICOPTERS AND ROBOT SUITS LOOK INSANELY REAL. EVERYTHING LOOKS INSANELY REAL.

See what I mean?
But there’s more to a movie than the effects, so let me get to the plot.
Ok, so the year is sometime in the future, and humans have set up camp on this planet Pandora, because they’re mining for a certain extremely valuable substance called “unobtanium”. I think they could’ve put more effort into that name, but whatever, I’ll let it slide. So anyway, there’s a huge deposit of this good stuff under the main home of the Nav’i, the blue kitten people. This home happens to be a skyscraper-size tree. To persuade them to move or something, they create these half human, half Nav’i bodies called avatars that these specific humans can control while lying in what looks like an MRI machine. So this one guy is a paraplegic who’s twin brother was in charge of the avatar program but he died for reasons unknown, so they have the paraplegic brother, Jake Sully, take his place because since they have the same DNA he can also control his brother’s avatar.
Wait, it gets MUCH weirder.
This guy Jake accidentally gets caught by the blue people while in his avatar body, so they inexplicably decide to teach him their ways, he falls in love with a blue person, and hilarity ensues. Well, not hilarity, but a whole lot of explosions and fighting and flying on giant pterodactyl creatures and much more and explosions. Did I mention this is all in 3D too? Explosions.

Now the plot itself is a little sticky. The whole love thing gets tiresome (not to mention WEIRD). The first three quarters of the movie can get a bit slow at times, some of the writing is George Lucas-quality, and some of the plot events blatantly make no sense.
For example, what is going through the chief blue person when he lets Jake into the tribe?
“Here is an outsider who looks like one of us but is wearing our enemy’s clothing and only speaks their language. We will teach him to be like us and see if he is worthy to be one of us.”
Ok then.

But it doesn’t really matter anyway.
Because the last part of the movie
I’m a very quiet person in a theatre. I’m never one to yell “Don’t go in there!” or “Run away!” at fictional characters projected on a screen. But in the in the last hour or so of this movie I had to restrain myself from cheering and yelling “HOLY *EXPLETIVE*” And a few times I was unsuccessful.
The final battle scene of this movie is amazing. Imagine the most intensely fantastic aerial battle sequence you can possibly imagine. Yeah, that’s like not even a fraction of how mind-blowing this final sequence is. Also, I can read your thoughts.

This picture alone is better than what you came up with

So overall, I loved this movie. The plot was slightly weak but was strong enough to hold the movie together soundly, and of course the special effects were just...yeah I think you get the idea by this point. I still had heart palpitations as I walked out of the theatre.

One last note though, completely unrelated to the movie. This is addressed to the idiots who sat behind me.
Come ON!!! No one wants your stupid commentary on this movie! Yes the alien people are weird, yes that animal is scary, and yes, that guy is not very nice! I don’t think any of us need help picking that up! Though I guess I should cut you some slack. Judging by the comment, “Why are his legs so skinny?”, which was spewed during a scene showing the main character Jake, the PARAPLEGIC, in his wheelchair, I can safely deduce that you guys are not the sharpest tools in the shed.

Loitrons (and co-authors), I implore you to see this movie! Like The Dark Knight, you DO NOT want to miss it while it’s in theatres, and you pretty much have to see it in 3D. You may need to change your underwear afterward, but you will not be disappointed.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I love unscheduled play...

Nick the omnipotent overlord administrator… now that’s sexy. Loitron sounds a bit like an alien or I might’ve heard a word like that in chemistry.. or was it jimmy neutron? Eh whats the difference. I gotta hand it to us there is a ridiculous flow of good Ideas on this blog. I might be lacking because I have nothing but a dead brain sitting on byus campus.. lonely.. because everyone else has left for break... and when I get bored weird things happen.. I mean after I searched the entire campus for the computer I left my jump drive in.. dyed my hair pink.. hooked up with the guys behind the bell tower.. I found this!

Only at byu… this place is hatin on so many things.. pink hair.. boys in the kitchen after midnight.. mattresses on the floor.. propping doors open.. throwing snowballs.. even unscheduled play! I get some comedic relief from the simple fact they felt the need to include no Sunday play as well… Oh and for the record this sign was in front of an empty field.. wouldn’t playing on it at any time be considered trespassing? You need permission.. they won’t give you permission on a Sunday.. But what if I schedule play on that field… it would still be trespassing!? This sign is blowin my mind! And define playing… Maybe they got a little paranoid about the rule of law.. and started obsessing with the Publicity thing… American heritage can do weird things to the mind..
we shouldn't judge. but think about the poor golfers with no where to go... i was in love with a golfer once.. so this sign strikes a nerve.
So after my encounter with the sign I went back to the bell tower. Just kidding I actually was extremely entertained when I saw… give me a minute to gather my thoughts so I can get this out right… a piece of art work resembling a mustache on a rock… that was ON FIRE! scandalous for byu campus I know! Were not even allowed candles!! Just when I was getting excited and had the 7 eleven speed dial under my thumb.. I saw a police man standing not far from it.. watching it.. I suppose he was there so no idiot would try and run around byu with the fire.. but this doesn’t quite make much sense to me… the mustache was most definitely suppose to be on fire.. was that police man getting paid to monitor the mustache? I would’ve asked him about it but I was afraid I might know the police man…
I understand that this visual im trying to create may be hard to process in the mind of our loiterers.. or loitrons. If I had boy scout skills I would’ve been prepared and takin a picture of it before.. on my way home if its still on fire ill get that for you guys. it's hard to keep up witht he skills of the other authors...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Idea

idea-noun-any conception existing in the mind as a result of mental understanding, awareness, or activity.

This is the definition of “idea” as provided by, the website that is singlehandedly driving the actual dictionary to complete extinction. It’s ok, eventually they’ll make a museum so our kids can learn about the way we used to look up words. Anyway, the reason I’m giving you the definition of idea is because, my friends, I just had an Idea.

No, not an idea, an Idea. An idea, as you can see from the definition, is a pretty generic and frequent mental occurrence due to our observation and analysis of the world around us. However, an Idea is a mind-blowing revelation that completely and utterly changes the way one sees and understands life. It can shift the very course of human history. Here are a few examples throughout history:

Pythagorean Theorem
Plato’s Allegory of the Cave
Jesus Christ
Electric can opener
Theory of Relativity
The Beatles
Sliced bread
Onion rings
Sonicare toothbrush
Flatscreen TV
The Matrix
Barack Obama

Ok, I know I might’ve missed a few, and it might be argued that some of those “Ideas” are actual people or movies, but you get the Idea.

Now I stand before you with my own contribution to this distinguished list. At the time of writing this we have 7 followers, who we have fittingly named the “Loiterers”. As I was writing my first post to this blog, I used this term “Loiterers”, but for some reason, it didn’t feel right. Though it is technically the grammatically correct name for a person performing the act of loitering, I could do without all those -ers. It's not a very fun word to say. Now when Shakespeare wanted someone to say something in his plays, but the English language fell short, did he just shrug his shoulders and use awkward words? No! He made up his own words! Which words may you ask? How about “critic, frugal, aerial, fishify.”, to name a small few. Think about that. What verb would we use to say “to turn into a fish” if Shakespeare didn’t give us “fishify”? And we’d be calling aerials in the Winter Olympics “twisty-suicide jumps”! Well actually, I call them that anyway.

So then I asked myself, if Shakespeare can make up words, why can’t I? I brainstormed for hours until I had an epic moment of epiphany. Here is a recreation of that moment.

Observe that the awesomeness radiating from my cranium
is so intense it is bending the surrounding light

And in that epic moment, I created this epic word:


Oh my. That is amazing. Try to say that word without feeling epic. Yeah, that’s right, you can’t. It sounds like a Decepticon, and you know how awesome they are.
From now on, my posts will refer to our followers as Loitrons. My co-authors may or may not choose to use it as well. As the omnipotent overlord administrator, only Nick has the power to officially embrace the term, so I’ll leave that up to him. For all of you who don’t like my Idea, I have only this response.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

What would the world be like without Facebook?

Well... Probably better.... I guess that question is pretty easy. Wait... What am I talking about?! There's no better distraction than that of Facebook! Farmville, cooking-in-some-weird-restaurant-ville, poking friends, murder, identity theft, tagging photos, and even writing on people's walls?! It is possible! All of them! Facebook really can be awesome, despite my initial hesitance to join this mind-controlling community. Especially if one uses Facebook to its fullest. Facebook is not for making friends, its for ALIENATING friends. Let me explain:

I know a person named Marc Wells... STANLEY Marc Wells... Sir STANLEY Marc Wells... Sir STANLEY Marc Wells of Gondor. So Sir Stanley Marc Wells and I are what is called "friends" on facebook, and I was bored. Being friends with me on Facebook + me being bored = I have no clue, but its hardly ever good... I don't plan these things... They come through inspiration... Inspiration undoubtedly from the wrong source. That's unimportant, much like everything Paris Hilton says. The point of this story is how I got Marc Wells... STANLEY Marc Wells... Sir STANLEY Marc Wells... Sir STANLEY Marc Wells of Gondor... nay, HONORABLE Sir STANLEY Marc Wells of Gondor to lose his identity with the clever use of flags... uh... I mean tags...

Marc is a man of simple pleasures, he just wants to serve a Mormon mission in Ukraine, live in a small house in the prairie, and maybe occasionally fight off Bowsers to save princess. Unfortunately, he knows me, a man who spends an excessive amount of time in what people often call, the interweb. Bored one night I decided to 'tag' myself.... on Marc's face. This way, every time someone would see his picture and scroll their cursor over it, my name would appear. Then I thought... I should set this as MY profile picture! So below is the exact same picture as above.... its kinda a symbolic thing... you know... to show there were two of us with the same picture.... Therefore two of the same picture... you know... its like... yeah!

D-bone saw this and had an ingenious idea to tag more people in this picture and to have us ALL put Marc as our profile picture... This is why he's my roommate... So... We did.

After explaining this to most of these people we asked to have them comment on Marc's profile picture with their own new profile picture of Marc. The power of Dopplegangers is AMAZING! See below....

O and that's not all, I checked again a little while later and the list had grown...

Wha ha ha! My evil plan was working! Now no one would ever remember Marc Wells... SIR MARC WELLS OF CHEESE! He was gone to them... He was gone to even the internet! I think my favorite moment was on his profile when I looked at the list of common friends between us.

I laughed inwardly... and even outwardly as much as is socially acceptable... My greatest success in life thus far! Which is another way of saying I don't really... have... much....... of a life.... SHUT UP! It was FAN-freaking-TASTIC! It seemed the whole world had decided to join me in this crusade! Jerusalem was MINE! (and by Jerusalem I mean Marc's unborn children... Don't ask) There were even a couple girls in on it! And I know for a fact none of them were Marc Wells... I hope... I'll be right back................. Yeah, None of them are Marc Wells.

As I was smiling to myself the next day a thought hit me... What if people don't forget about Marc Wells and simply are reminded of him more often because so many people have him as their picture? Crap... This hadn't as of yet occurred to me... This poses a problem... my mean intentions had simply made him feel, ugh... it hurts to pronounce, loved? I couldn't have THAT! Not while I was ruthlessly thinking unkind thoughts about him! I want it clear that all who participated have once again return to their original pictures and Marc Wells is forgotten once more...

Oh, if you are involved with law enforcement type activities, read this paragraph and ignore the next one. Just in case this action taken above is illegal, the whole idea was D-bone's... He's a madman... HE SAID HE'D EAT MY CHEEZ-ITS! What kind of sick person... would ever... take the name of Cheez-its in vain? My heart just stops when I think about it.


If you are not involved with law enforcement, read this paragraph. It WAS my idea! As was that loop-hole-less contingency plan above! Oh and just so you know, this idea was patented by licence 720-224-7294 (which just so happens to double as Pat McCallin's phone number. Go ahead and give him a call... especially if you are a young skinny boy between the ages of 13 and 17) and legal action will be... um... acted if you copy this idea.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Dang it. I should've been Catholic.

First off, I would like to express my disappointment that I didn’t receive any unique introduction from nick… as if I don’t give this blog any diversity… I mean I’m only a girl... apparently that doesn’t get you too far in life. But this is Nick we are talking about so maybe I would’ve been good enough if I had an 80% hip to waist ratio. Dang it. I should’ve been Catholic.

I can’t imagine how I have lived my life without this blog… better yet! How have you lived… well put away those blankets kids cause this is gonna get spicy…

Yes. Just like that. Well imma peace out now since the James kid already took care of writing the novel for this week. I’m glad we had this time of bonding. Go girls! Go mormons!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Chipotle Excursion

First off, I would like to thank Nick for the introduction, and I also nominate the picture he provided as the official photo of Progressive Loitering. I am James, and as Nick mentioned I am not Mormon, but Catholic. I’m also Canadian. Well, I was born there, grew up in the U.S., but technically was never American, and now I’m going to school in Canada again. It’s kinda complicated but not interesting enough to warrant explanation, but my goal is too persuade you that Canadians can be funny and interesting. Just you wait! So let’s jump into today’s topic.
University has presented many challenges to me. Along with the unfathomable amount of school work that is defecated onto me on a daily basis, I have to deal with choking down cafeteria food, trying to keep laundry organized, walking about 10 miles a day to get from class to class, and dealing with tests so hard that the class average is 38% (*cough* physics).
Canada itself presents whole new challenges: No more one-dollar bills, no, no sunlight, and many other things which will have to wait for later discussion. However, new information has come to light! My life has become a little easier. You would think, like I once did, that Canada, with all those polar bears to feast on, would not have a Chipotle Mexican Grill. BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG!
Yes, as it turns out, there is exactly 1 Chipotle in the entire country of Canada. Think about that. 2nd largest country in the world, 3511003 square miles of land, over 33 million people, and 1 Chipotle. Now where is this Chipotle, you may ask?

BAM. That’s right. The A marks the location of my residence, and the B marks the location of heavenly burrito goodness. And they are only 1.5 km apart (just under a mile for those of you who don’t speak Canadian). Now, Loiterers, I am going to embark on an approximately 17 minute journey to this Canadian Chipotle, but I will be back to share my story! Will it look as good? Will it taste as good? What is the area of a circle? All these questions will be answered when i get back!

I’m back!
Thanks for waiting. So my trip to Chipotle actually did take 17 minutes, which I find a little disconcerting. How does Google know these things? Pretty soon here you’ll just be able to google what gender your future kid will be and when you’re going to die, just wait. But I digress.
I will now give you the play by play of my experience at Canadian Chipotle.

Upon arriving at Chipotle, I first observed the sign, which is pretty much the same as American ones. A lot of people try to say that Chipotle is not “real” Mexican food, but I will counter them with this picture. I hope you know that this was taken while I stood looking like an idiot in the middle of the sidewalk of the busiest street in Toronto. The things I do for you Loiterers...

As you can clearly see, the restaurant asserts its Mexican authenticity right on the sign! I’m glad that’s settled.
The restaurant itself has the same design as the ones in Colorado that you and I know and love. Everything from the metal ceiling tubes to that weird red and beige color combination was spot on. I felt like I was back home!

I ordered my usual, the steak fajita burrito, with hot sauce, cheese, and lettuce. However, a peculiar occurrence occ...urred when the server put in only about half a spoonful of rice in my tortilla! I stared blankly in astonishment at the pathetically small pile of rice sitting in the center of the tortilla before finally snapping out of my stupor and demanding more rice. Luckily, adequate amounts of steak and peppers were put in, so I will consider it a small grievance.
After paying for my drink and burrito, I made my way to the vending machine only to discover, to my horror, that none of the available soda options were Dr. Pepper! I nearly fainted. Apparently, according to my friends, Dr. Pepper is not a popular or common drink up here. Mr. Pibb is non-existent. With shame and sadness I filled the cup with boring old Coke.
But there was hope! I knew my burrito would cheer me up!

And it did not fail me! Such incredible ingredients coming together in an orgy of taste! It was like my tastebuds were high...on life!

This is your tastebuds on Chipotle

My only complaint about this orgasmic burrito experience was that upon finishing the thing I was still hungry. I estimate that the Canadian Chipotle burrito is roughly 3/4 the size of the American one. While this is probably healthier, I’ve always considered the feeling that one’s stomach is about to rupture a rather essential part of the Chipotle experience. I guess I’ll have to sacrifice that while I’m here. Overall, Canadian Chipotle looks good, tastes great, and the area of a circle is pi times the radius squared!
Welcome to the blog, Loiterers!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The First Post

Welcome one and all to Progressive Loitering! I would like to start off by introducing myself. My name really is Nick Evans, yes I'm the one you've heard so much about but can't find pictures of on google. (I apologize, I haven't had time to put them up. And frankly I'm too lazy) Many of you may have read my previous blogs and become fans there. Others of you may be new to this whole 'obsessing over a blog' concept and I welcome you as well... Let's get things started right, I hope that you will find enlightenment, humor, fulfillment, and pictures like below on this blog!

See? Looking at blogs is fun!

Being the first post, I wasn't completely sure what to put up... I know many of you have tried out to become authors for this blog and I apologize that I only selected 3 of you to help me out but let me assure you they are well qualified. Each one of these have submitted a blog entry to me, which I have reviewed and commented on and chose based on their humor and writing style... And then James is just Canadian, and not mormon, so we needed some sort of diversity here...

Welcome fellow Loiterers with nothing better to do! I feel close to you already!