Monday, January 25, 2010


Imagine this picture at the bottom of the post. or somewhere creative throughout the blog. I'm technologically challenged some days... split personalities..

I know I posted something very recently… but that was because nick made me.. The tale I am about to tell I have taken upon myself as my civil duty and responsibility to pass on to the generations of loiterers. The Legend of Bicycle Bob. He’s the solo bum of the Latrobe Pennsylvania area. He’s FAMOUS. His autograph would sell on Ebay for enough money to pay for college. And im not even talking about BYU. Even a REAL college. Too bad I don’t think he writes… anyways every child growing up in Latrobe hears of Bicycle Bob.. then one day all the kids rush to one side of the bus nearly tipping the piece of crap over smushing their faces up against the windows just so they can get their mental picture of… yes.. Bicycle Boob. Nobody knows exactly where he came from but legend has it his parents are filthy rich and he chooses to live.. well in such a way…My first encounter with him he was walking around a fire in the middle of the field drinking milk out of the carton.. this was one of the smushing ur face up against the bus window moments… I was young.. Senior year I got my CLOSEST encounter with him. There I am sitting at the table by the window in ceramics class probably working on my moms Christmas present when all of a sudden! Bicycle Bob himself! rolls up on his bicycle.. he was smoking.. something.. and he looked in the window then rode as fast as he could (well maybe he could go faster but it was pretty dang fast) down the row of windows and around the circle in the parking lot then he was gone. It all happened so fast.. like a dream. Now this encounter was after he had made a large break through. The word was all over town.. Bicycle Bob went MOTOR. He no longer peddled his ancient bike around but he had a MOTOR BIKE. Not a motorcycle… a MOTOR BIKE. Good thing he didn’t switch to a scooter… the legend of Bicycle Bob would be… well It would lack the ring it has… There most definitely is something wrong with the man… he grunts.. and walks into eat’n park and pours his ice cream on the table so he can eat it with his hands. He’s seen talking on pay phones.. but most likely to himself. The Legend goes that his sightings around town are in between his frequent nights in jail… but he always gets out… and is then seen again. Maybe his rich parents bail him out. Is it possible to be banned from a town? If so theres talk he’s been banned from Ligioneer.. a neighboring town of Latrobe. There's even a facebook group for this man with 2000 fans! Id give you the link but then you'd see I stole this picture from it and that would be embarrassing… and a little sketch. I am not currently residing in Latrobe anymore… but I am sure that THE LEGEND OF BICYCE BOB LIVES ON. And I think all sightings of him need to be documented. I will now quote some version of Eragon.. or the Sandlot.. either way HEROS GET REMEMBERED BUT LEGENDS NEVER DIE.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Dog Blog

Dogs are awesome. Everyone knows this, and those who deny it are tools who probably only have their cats to keep them company. Cats suck.

Tehy don't even has baysic gramr skilz!

To start this discussion of dogs, let me show you all the cutest dog in the world. Her name is Maggie, and she looks like this.


Look at dat face!!!

Yes, I happen to be the owner of the cutest dog in the world. Nick will probably disagree, but that's only because he's jealous and he knows it. But despite being this cute, Maggie is not what could be considered a “good” dog. In fact, let's not even sugarcoat it. Maggie is insane. Behind those eyes is half a brain of mental instability, borderline psychopathy, and outright stupidity.

HI You guys! You're probably aware, but this is not my post... This is James'. But I can't help but notice that I make quite a few appearances in it so I thought it would be helpful if I explain everything. And I'm the all powerful administrator so I can do things like that... Pretty much wherever you see italics... That's me again! Well, here we go.

I'm really not sure why my dog is so antisocial and homicidal towards anyone who is not our family, but I think it's more than simply bad training. We've tried trainers, books, even a freaking shock collar. All have failed in the long term. She still approaches any stranger and most other dogs with a nice “I'm going to rip your face off” roar, accompanied by a full speed charge unless I'm there to pull her back. People fear my dog. I get less dirty looks from passers-by when I walk past them in only my underwear while shooting repeated hits of heroin. I mean, IF I did that...which I don't...


This information in mind, I'd like to recount some of my more exciting encounters with Canis lupus familiaris. Maggie makes an appearance in some of these, but unfortunately she's not the only psychopathic canine I've had to deal with in my life. Let's begin.

1. Maggie tries to kill Belle

Nick and his family will probably remember this rather horrific event. Back when Nick and I were in elementary school and life was simpler, we realized that we both had poodles. Nick had Belle, probably one of the sweetest dogs ever to have existed, and I had Maggie, who was about 2 at the time and was already proving to be quite the opposite. At this point in her life, we were learning she wasn't quite right in the head, but had no idea to what extent. So when it was suggested we have our dogs meet and play together, all parties thought this was a great idea. What could go wrong?

It's been years since this happened, but I still clearly remember how it went. My mom pulled up to pick me up from DI practice at Nick's house, and brought Maggie out of the car, without a leash(Sweet Lord we were dumb back then). Maggie runs up to Belle, they stand off for a second, and Maggie goes into deathmatch fury, complete with her trademark ferocious barking and what definitely appeared to be an attempt to end Belle's life. This was completely unprovoked, and against a dog that posed absolutely no threat. Somehow, and luckily, we were able to control our idiotic psychopath before any real damage occurred. Poor Belle was left cowering behind Nick's mom, and my mom and I stood in utter embarrassment, shocked by the sudden revelation that our rather new dog was a volatile maniac. If you can hear me in doggy heaven Belle, I'm sorry.

Oh Wallace, you're so thoughtful

2. Maggie tries to kill bikers

For this entry, it's hard to narrow down to one specific event. Maggie has incited the rage of many a biker by her unrestrained urge to horribly mutilate anyone traveling on a bike, scooter, or even jogging. Often this happens when she escapes from the house. Maggie knows how to open unlocked doors with handles. Quite conveniently, every door in my house has a handle rather than a knob. Having escaped from the house one time, I was trying to coax her back when a biker went by. My heart stopped as I watched my dog enter a homicidal chase after the man, then I sprinted in pursuit. She nipped at his leg, tearing his sock. Though I was able to get her under control, the guy was so furious he filed a report with animal control. Luckily, they weren't interested in euthanizing her, but she wasn't allowed to leave our property for 10 days.

3. Coyotes try to kill Maggie (twice)

In what is no doubt canine karma, Maggie has experienced two attacks by coyotes. I have yet to witness one, but I have seen the aftermath, and have had to take the injured poodle to an animal hospital. It's probably the only setting where Maggie is not completely embarrassing to deal with, usually because she's completely freaked out into submission. But anyway, the moral of this story is don't be a homicidal psychopath, because coyotes are, and they will try to eat you. Coyotes suck.


4. Pat's dog tries to kill me

In what is quite possibly retribution for Maggie almost killing his dog, Nick almost got me my head ripped off by Pat's intimidating German Shepherd, Charlie. We were playing roller hockey in Nick's driveway, when I accidentally sprayed a shot into Pat's yard. Despite it being visibly guarded by Charlie, I was forced to retrieve the thing. (Its tough to ignore peer pressure... 'go get the ball, James... go get the ball...) Upon running into the yard and picking up the ball, I raise my head enough to see Charlie charging me with homicide in his eyes. He wasn't even barking, it was all kill. I don't think I've run faster in my life, and narrowly avoided having my trachea removed from my neck. This brings us to our final incident.

5. Nick's other neighbor's dog tries to kill me

In case you didn't know, Nick and Pat want me dead. Nearly all of my most serious injuries have occurred while in their company. (What?! That's not true! Lets see... We've dropped you on your head straining your back/neck twice, had you flip over your bike to avoid hitting that car, had you get attacked by dogs twice, burned you a couple times, and tried to break your nose but only managed to get you sent to ski patrol temporarily... But that's all! That's not way too bad though!) This one is probably the closest they've come to actually killing me, if it weren't for my superhero-like reflexes.

Btw guys, I'm Spider-man, but keep it on the DL

In this incident, I again had to retrieve a ball. This time it was a tennis ball, which for some reason was so valuable that I was obliged to risk my life to get it back. This yard was guarded by a similarly terrifying black lab. It's easier to explain this in play-by-play style.

-Ball goes into yard. Nick and Pat convince me to retrieve it ('Go get the ball James, Go get the ball...), claiming they'll distract the dog

-Plan goes into action: I run to get ball, Nick and Pat “distract” dog.

I think we distracted him enough... We got him all the way to the other side

-Literally the moment my hand grasps the ball, I hear cries of “JAMES!!!! JAMES!!!!! RUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!”

-I spin around to see the large black lab flying blitzkrieg towards me.

-Knowing I can't run fast enough to escape, I stand my ground for a split second and contemplate if I'll get into heaven. Suddenly, I very strongly regret not going to church last Sunday.

-Right as the dog gets close enough to rip my head off, I jump to the side. The dog runs full speed into the bush behind me.

-Immediately, I book it. The dog regains its footing and gives chase again, but I'm able to get out of the yard in time.

I must say that James' second dodge of Aspen's attack was quite impressive. He somehow managed to pull this Michael Jackson-esque toe stance during a full sprint... And that dog was on a mission, he would've had James in the knees two seconds later...

-Nick and Pat laugh heartily, inwardly cursing that their plan had once again failed.

I know this sounds exaggerated, but it is 100% true. I guarantee it. Nick and Pat can attest to it. It was both one of the most extreme moments of sheer terror I've ever experienced, and one of the greatest moments of bada**-ery that I have ever displayed. I guess the lesson here is don't run onto property that is guarded by homicidal canines, and never put cheese on seafood pasta. Ever!

I guess I should also thank Nick for his...creative commentary.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Good thing I have a lot of inertia I go with the bus.

Apparently I’m getting my butt kicked by master Nicholas for not writing often enough but in my defense it definitely was James’ turn... so we can all accept his hamster and move on to BIGGER and better things! Like how bout my laptop battery! That thing is HUGE! Its outta control! Or Nick! Have you seen that kid recently?! I bet you last saw him he was just a lil guy… well now he’s a beast. He just like blew up outta no where one day. Okay.. what I’m really trying to say is… WHAT ABOUT PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!? You’ve got like these buses everywhere… but when you get on and off you realize it would’ve been quicker just to run to the destination! Or like hot air balloon it… and by this time you're already down two bucks! And then there’s the waiting at the bus stop… the schedule can be so unreliable sometimes… and all the while you’re standing there you have the distant worry in the back of your mind that you’re at the wrong bus stop. And then soon you look like this girl… socially awkward and emotionally unstable.

Well at least there are sidewalks! In most places… not really they are actually pretty scarce but not in Provo! Yay Provo now has one point. I consider sidewalks public transportation.. I mean they help with transportation and are for the public! They’re my favorite kind of public transportation! Of course because the best kind of public transportation hasn’t been invented yet. It came to me in a dream.. You can have a bus… but its not a bus.. cause ppl can jump on and off at their free will. Like when there’s a red light boom! Just jump off and walk with the pedestrians in the cross walk. It would be so great! Who would pay for this you ask? Same people who pay for Washington DC's nifty crap. Us! Taxes! What better way to spend our money? This way we would save on pollution... cause like who would drive with this great luxury? Now im sure your thinking what about the idiot who jumps off and dies while the thing is moving… well you see there’s the cable car in San Francisco ppl could jump off… and maybe they do.. but it’s their own stupidity if they get hurt! Just make some law you can’t sue for such ridiculousness or something. Now you’re thinking what if you hit all green lights… psh that never happens this is reality. AND there are.. well people might end up running down the street chasing this thing.. i guess it might not be very reliable.. funny though. Okay now before I end this post.. I must say.. I actually like the buses… okay bye!

Nick is so awesome!

Nick is so awesome!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Adventures of the FLAMING MUSTACHE! and other-super-art-friend-self-portraits-that-aren't-spelled-in-all-caps.!

Alright Loitrons, its time for my first mission to be carried out. I feel safe to say that We, as authors, and me, being the all-powerful administrator, in particular, owe it to you to capture footage/pictures of the rumored, FLAMING MUSTACHE! As brought up earlier by Nicole, BYU currently hosts a giant mustache from Down Under (and I mean the real down under, not Australia, unless Australia suddenly erupts into flames, down under as in referring to... you know... S-H-Double Hockey sticks... or... Wait... you know what I mean). On top of this, what confuses me most of all is the fact that the FLAMING MUSTACHE of power claims to be a "Self Portrait."

I mean I know there are a plethora, yes plethora, of things in the art world I don't understand but this one takes the cake... Either a flaming mustache truly did make this portrait... which would be ridiculous! Or the person has a mustache and has since been set on fire, following which he turned to art as an outlet for his emotions hidden beneath all the bandages... I take art very literally after all...

Taken by me during the day

And by not-me at night

Another startling piece of art was up not long ago in the BYU building of artists (HFAC) which was of torn cloth in a circle connected to rods along the circumference... At first I hoped it would look like the E8 root system, or whatever it is called, below (insert arrow pointing down here). But when we got to the 5th floor, it was much... less...

It still looked kind of cool... But I wonder if it was once again a self portrait. Its saying something like "I could look way cooler, but I'm incomplete..." Why does art have to be all thoughtful. Oh Well...

The true topic of interest this time around is the newest exhibit being featured which stars a taxidermied chicken... Yes... Let me repeat it for you in case you didn't hear/read it correctly. (I say hear for those of you who have not yet learned to read and are still living in the basement of your parents though you are 37.) Here we go. A TAXIDERMIED CHICKEN! I really really really wanna know what this is all about but all the sign tells me is pretty much 'you don't need to know!' I mean seriously look at this:

"The killing of this animal was a very spiritual experience for me. Its the first animal I have ever killed" - What the sign said.

Ok... So bad news... I returned to the HFAC only to find that the newest exhibit is now the 2nd newest exhibit... I apologize... in fact I'm going to try to steal James' hamster... The arts are just stealing other people's work after all! But without that picture of the dead chicken... that last sentence in the previous paragraph seems oddly... lacking... Even with my italics that I made up to try to cover up the whole thing... O well, anyway, I never got to be that ambiguous in school. If only that had worked in Trigonometry:

Question: What is the sin(pi/2)
Response: This is the first Trigonometry test I have ever taken. I'm sure the value of this experience to the rest of my life is greater than the true answer to this problem. I feel deeply moved...
Alternate response: This problem I feel is a Self Portrait of my life...

James' stolen picture I mentioned above... I love having all power...

I only wish the turkey, which did exist I promise, had been a Self-Portrait too. Man that would have been pretty dang awesome if I may say so myself... The number of confused people would be enormous! What, in the expanded universe of Star Wars, could that mean as a Self Portrait...

The only better name for any of the pieces above would be "Your Mom"...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Dolla' dolla'....coin?

Oh hi!

So apparently, I dropped the ball and forgot that it was my turn to update the blog. That's why you've seen the same entry for the past two weeks. And while Nick's entry on Pokemon was awesome, it does not justify my behavior. Me and my hamster friend Wallace have only this to say.

Wallace brought you forgiveness flowers

Well, since that's out of the way, I just have a small thought to share with you today. Today's entry is about Canada, because I have no creative energy. All my mental energy is dedicated for the moment to things like calculating if a photon wavelength will have enough energy to cause a plate of sodium to emit electrons. It's way more fun than it sounds. Just kidding.

Specifically, I wanted to talk to you all about the currency here in Canada. Now, except for a few of my friends up here, I'm going to assume most of the Loitrons are American. With this in mind, I'm fairly certain most of you didn't know that Canada does not have a dollar bill. Instead, we have these two things.

Dumb and Dumber: Canadian style

This is the Canadian one-dollar and two-dollar coins, but everyone calls them the loonie and the toonie. It's because the bird on the loonie is called a loon, but that doesn't make the name any less stupid. Now I like Canada. I guess I should, being Canadian and all. However, I hate these two coins with a fiery passion that consumes my entire soul. Gotta love that totally original passion/fire metaphor.

Imagine you walk up to a Canadian eating establishment, intent on purchasing a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, because nothing says a hearty meal quite like 760 calories and 48 grams of fat. You have a 10 dollar bill, and the total comes to, say, $5.45 or something(you're not getting fries and a drink because you're watching your figure. Good for you!). Well, put away your wallet, because your change is going to be entirely coins. That's right. You have to carry change around! I find this terribly inconvenient. In America, you dump all your change into the tip jar or throw it at homeless people. But in Canada, that's cash money! You can have 5 coins, and if they're all toonies, that's $10! $10 that weighs WAY more than 10 one-dollar bills, and doesn't fit in a wallet. It's ridiculous. The coin purse is not part of the American dream! Apparently Canadians don't believe in freedom! In order to protest this disgusting excuse for currency, I make sure to spend my coins as soon as possible. I don't think it's very cost effective, but it sure feels like liberty.

Pictured: Liberty

Thursday, January 7, 2010


So I know that my phone's picture quality might not be quite up to par with Sir James' actually decent camera, but that's not the point. The point is... They're onto us... I'm not completely sure who but, they are. Look, these were taken at totally different places in the United States.... Well... Not really... But they were like 3 hours away from each other so the warning is spreading.

And this one here is targeting our Spanish followers, or future Spanish followers or something.... The racism is appalling... Nonetheless, Fellow Loiterers, I'm impressed. I must say that news of this blog is spreading far faster than I ever could have imagined. I'm proud of you. I also wish to apologize to you for my absence of late. I have recently been inconveniently detained. But don't you worry, I'm back!

So the what I really wanted to talk about today was none other than Pokemon. Yes Pokemon. The fad the swept the nation back in the early 90's and has since left us desperate for a quality television series. I don't know why they never decided to make one... O well. So I was recently talking to a friend who wanted nothing more than to live in this alternate reality and train these so called pocket monsters. Lets run down what this entails:

1) Gathering wild animals and domesticating them... sort of
2) Training them to fight other people's pets
3) Winning some sort of prize at the end of the fight
4) Getting rid of the weak ones to get stronger ones (remember you could only keep like, 6 or something on your person at any time? I hated that! I would've taken this endless army of lv 3 weedles into the elite 4 if it would have let me. And by army I mean at least 250!)

Now then, lets look at this realistically. If we had pokemon in our world would we be able to do this? Well duh, we already do! Obviously Ash Ketchum = Michael Vick. I believe he also did all of the above. And what happened to him? He's in jail and everyone hates him! Why? Because he was just applying what he learned as a boy!

And if you think this realization is crazy... Just try to think a little bit harder about Tetris....

Friday, January 1, 2010

Star Wars of the 21st Century, Avatar is. (quote by Yoda) Maybe.... you decide.

Hello fellow Loiterers. To begin, I feel that in this globalizing world, we all have a need for a little bit of cultural diversification. Naturally, I will be implementing the use of various translations of words into different languages. We will begin with the topic at hand: Avatar. I will now translate "avatar" into several languages (using accents while sounding out the translations is a must). We shall begin with European languages, going left to right. Portugal - avatar. Spain - avatar. France - avatar. Italy - avatar. Now moving onto some countries whose languages' spelling actually diverge from that of the English Language. We begin again. Avatarisi (Finnish) 头像 (Chinese) अवतार (Hindi) logója (Hungarian).

Now that we have been thoroughly diversified, I shall move on. I have high regards for Avatar, a movie that created a new world for the audience, one that only books and choice movies have been able to do for a person. I know that James has already posted about Avatar, but I feel a pressing need to share my thoughts on the movie.

First off, don't let the subtle green and anti-war messages get to you (subtle, but they occur through pretty much the whole movie as a collective story). Just about every movie has a couple, as does Avatar. Let yourself drift into the world of the Na'vi, and appreciate the amazing CGI movie. I strongly recommend seeing it. And don't forget to buy the Avatar action figure! Live karate chop action!