Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Happy Christmas to you in Britain.
Feliz Navidad if you hablas espanol.
Frohe Weihnachten - German
Gezuar Krishtlindjet - Albanian
Fete Nwel - Hatain Creole (For Jake)
Bon Nadal - Catalan
Vesale Vanoce - Dutch
Selamat Hari Krismas - Malay

And of course Merry Christmas to all of you in North America that I like!

Friday, December 17, 2010

We gave him an Asian drink

I am here to save nick from over exerting himself and talking too much. I am here. Nick informs me what I write is HIT OR MISS! Wtf. I HAVE A MILLION HITS. Everybody loves me. Okay now that that is cleared up. I have an issue. Nick also said that my best post was the bicycle bob one… for any of you less than perfect fans ill have you know that was A YEAR AGO. That means I’ve had a year of dead… BUT Bicycle Bob was still good so in celebration of Bicycle Bob! Today I will tell you about Bums. Between five and six hundred thousand people are considered homeless at any given time in America. 60% of those are single men. So is a bum just someone who is homeless? No… that would be very stereotypical and would probably offend my friends.

ONE TIME. Me and my friends… (these friends were a few fries short of a happy meal if you know what I mean) threw a TV over an overpass into this tunnel that ran along side a river. Two of my friends were down below and when I yelled can we drop it the river was so loud that I didn’t hear them yell NO DON’T DROP IT. So we dropped it. And we started to run down to see. We thought it might have magic glitter coming out of it. But then my two friends are running back up like no no run run and this crazy guy was chasing them with a piece of the TV. Jk. They were yelling no no theres someone down there. We thought we were in trouble so we peeled out in our pre planned get away car. We went back the next day to clean up the TV and saw that someone was living under the bridge. SO always check for Bums before tossing your TV. They live under bridges.

ANOTHER TIME. We found this very talkative bum who sold us a packet of jokes for like 5 bucks. Jk I wasn’t there but my friend was and the jokes were really funny. SO Bums are funny.

THIS TIME. We talked to this bum who was telling us how sick they were and we gave him an asian drink and said it would make him better. Im telling the truth to you but we might’ve been just kidding to the bum because we aren’t doctors and the drink had no english on it. SO Bums are trusting.

THIS TIME IN SALT LAKE. We stood in line for like an hour to get this bum a hot dog. SO bums are hungry. And I have a lot of time.

THE BEST TIMES. These previous times were in Utah. But the BEST TIMES were with as you know the famous Bicycle Bob in Latrobe, PA. You’ll have to see The Legend of Bicycle Bob post for that. SO Bums are more popular when they have bikes and nicknames and are one of the few in a town. Oh P town why don’t you give your bums bikes.

So Homeless people spend a lot of time in jail and in the hospital. I feel bad I see them on their good days. Who bails them out of jail? Who visits them in the hospital? Do they have bum friends? Because they are always alone and have issues so I don’t think so. This is depressing. Sorry maybe I’ll get my hit next time. I have to go save the world or something now. I recycle… and sometime I carry my groceries without bags… eh…oh… uh… Nothing will be enough.

The Facebook Project

Among many of my great fears of the internet, spanning from the creation of a Google army, to another website dedicated twilight roleplay, comes my fear of Facebook. Facebook is amazing. It has somehow surpassed everything else in the internet in consuming the average American's life. Now think about that, surpassed everything else! That blows me away!

So of late I have noticed some new disturbing trends on Facebook. That is its uncanny ability to pair two random statuses from people who have never met but happen to be sharing a similar thought, right next to each other on my news feed. It all started with this:

This may look familiar to many of you. Facebook can combine things now. Not that big of a deal right? Well here's one that might catch your scarcly impressed demeanor!These two people have never met each other, I can assure you. One being Sterling's sister, and the other from College. So how does Facebook do it? I'm not sure... I'm only concerned about when Facebook tries editing people's relationship statuses based on similar comments or similar pictures. Facebook : Matchmaker...

Continuing on from here are just fun statuses I've collected, some are funny because they were next to each other, others are ironic, and some are just funny. Enjoy:Glass half full?Irony...

This was in the middle of all the complaints about the naked scene in Harry Potter! As much as I miss Dallin... he was a dirtbag that night...

Does this deserve a "Go America?" You decide.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I was a weird kid in High school. I'm well aware of that fact, I just had no idea that it would pay off so well! Here's what I did. Scag and I were in the Library one day during lunch when we somehow decided to make a giant set of clues leading to a prize. We put the first clue somewhere where we knew people would find it and then proceeded to spread more clues throughout the library. We would put little pieces of paper saying, "Clue [whatever number] Next clue located [some clever riddle]" We hid them behind library Dewey Decimal signs, below the printer, and usually, on random pages of certain books. We had to put the last clue in a book that people are the least likely to read, so, for no real reason, we chose the book Our Town.

On the final clue, we wrote my phone number (I like to write my name and number on things too, Nicole...) on a small piece of paper and said that if they texted me I would give them a prize. We thought we were incredibly clever and cool. Little did I know that we actually WERE! Guess what I text received today?

"'Rubber wheel thorn winner'" - random (303) number
"Um... what?!" - My response
"I found a paper in a book that said I won... what did I win? Hahha"
"Sounds like you may have stumbled upon a free rubber wheel with a thorn in it! lucky..."
"Hahhhahaha!! Who is this?" (yes... there really were 3 'h's in a row...)
"nick. I meant to ask you the same thing... eventually"
"Did you read Our Town?"
"That's the book I found it in. Do you go to Grandview?"
"HOLY CRAP! I totally forgot about that! You just made my day! You even texted me! and yes I went to Grandview"
"How long ago?"
"Was I at Grandview? I graduated in '09. Did you have to read our town for a class or just checked it out?"
"I just checked it out. Hahha. I'm a Junior this year."
... conversation becomes boring from here on.

Someone actually found it! Granted they skipped all the clues and just found the ending... but still! And on top of that they actually texted the number! For that, I forgive them for not ever spelling 'haha' right! Despite the great amount of frustration that created.

I forgot how much fun doing dumb stuff like that was! I sure didn't expect anyone to actually contact a random number on a piece of paper in a library book. But for the first day this year, I am not a cynical man! Humans rock (at least until tomorrow)!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Science Fiction

"You've been drinking my milk again, space scum... Draw your lightsaber."
"That seems like a relatively bad reason to kill each other."
"Well sure, but we have have lightsabers. If we do fight it will look and sound ridiculously awesome."
"Your words are wise... but your moves are slow!"


Why on Earth don't we have a freaking Lightsaber Club at BYU?! We have Medieval club! And people study like, mid-1200's German sword style and ridiculousness like that! So where is the Lightsaber club?! The goals would be so obvious: A. Learn how to fight with plastic lightsabers. 2 or B. Annoy the medieval club. 3. Find a way to travel back in time and fire whoever thought Jar Jar Binx was a good idea. So why hasn't anyone organized it yet?

Well you know what they say, if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Here's what I want: A Lightsaber training club that can practice right next to "The Quill and the Sword" medieval club! Here they are:

But that's only half the giant lawn in front of the Wilk, right? So here's what we need on the other half of the lawn:
And yes, the instructor does have to be both Asian and bald, or Yoda. I think the most entertainment will come when the other club is angry and say that we aren't taking martial arts seriously, which of course will be 100% true (sorry random martial artist out there who specializes in 1200's medieval German swordsmanship and also reads this blog... maybe).

The instructors will have to wear full Jedi costumes, which, conveniently, there is an entire website dedicated to sale of Star Wars costumes: . Its real too! Only $38.99!!

This will have to wait til after the mission of course. So it falls into my PriorityQueue of other clubs in progress:

1) Hot Tub Club - meets in random apartments' Hot Tubs every Wednesday. Never mind, meets everyday.

2) Lightsaber Club - Discussed above.

3) The Club Club - A club designed for making ideas for clubs, but never actually doing it. Probably only one meeting... Then again... BYUSA has already been doing this for years...

4) Turtle Racing Club - BYU has a need of it.

5) The Flaming Mustache Club! - Its only lowered to #5 because the flaming mustache is gone, and we'd be on hiatus. It would have been an easy #1 last year. We could sacrifice facial hair to the mustache. Or all grow mustaches that we would then burn off. Oh wow... I just realized that I would be great at making a cult...

Anyways, who am I to make fun of sci-fi? I have a man-crush on Doctor Who right now. Not to mention, I actually think that Youtube video up there is super cool. If I ever make a movie with my Lightsaber Club I'm totally starting a fight with that script up top. But it will probably be a somewhat low quality film...

Now I leave you with a quote by some guys arguing behind LeBron James: "Why, in the expanded universe, would Luke fly something as archaic as a T-wing?!"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Oh, I just died in your arms D-Bone!

Oh yes. Its time to let the world view my incredibly patient and epically long attempt to annoy my roommate. I know I haven't lived with Daniel for over a year but nonetheless, this must never be forgotten! Now we all know what the 80's were: bad hair, bad fashion, horrible CD cover art, and not amazingly impressive music, but endlessly and undyingly (immortally? unstoppably? resurrectedably?) catchy music. One of the most amazingly catchy yet pretty awful song of this era is none other than Cutting Crew's "(I just) Died in Your Arms Tonight". (Music video is kinda disturbing... . I didn't even want to post the video on my blog because I would be scared to come back... Its so tempting to click on! Look! Its... its blue!) So I must admit, I kinda like the song, I think its pretty catchy, so I started to play it a little bit. Then I decided to learn it on guitar. Then the idea hit me! I don't need to use this song to unfairly capture any more helpless girls hearts, I need to use it for good! (or perhaps... evil...)
(Happy Halloween... Not really, this is really the album cover... Happy 80's! But Happy Halloween anyway. I sorta missed it with my 3 week celebration of the day-that-car-drove-into-Grandview celebration)

D-bone quickly was exposed to its undyingly catchy-ness and began to sing it as I would play it on guitar. This is when it hit me, "I know a way to be annoying!" (Its probably bad that that's my number 1 goal but....) So it began. Since that day, every time Daniel and I have been together, that song has been playing. It's kinda a psychology experiment really: "How long until D-bone snaps and starts shooting people?" That's what I want to know. It took about two weeks of this before he said anything at all. That something was just like, 'wow this song is on a lot'... That was all I needed! All the emotion packed behind those monotone words told me what I wanted to hear, it had truly turned into his 'annoying, endlessly playing song'....

So I knew I had to be a bit sneakier... and, admittedly, the song was already getting on my, and LeBron James', nerves before D-bone's.... So I stopped playing the song directly. Instead I would search on YouTube for a clip that 'just so happened' to have that song as a background or in some remix. Or I would just play the song right before he left for class and pause it as soon as he left, then if he'd come back singing the song still, that would mean I had succeeded.

Daniel claims to never have noticed that I did this to him. There's probably an undying part of him that screams out for forgiveness after lying to me. I know it had to have driven him nuts! It drove the rest of us crazy after all!

But what's a good experiment without a multiple test subjects? Therefore, I have found myself a random collection of new roommates! Ones I did not know and, although they are all BYU students, Mormon, white, and male, I believe account for a random sampling of your normal everyday Americans and can be applied to anywhere in the USA. So my main test subject will be the kid who sleeps above me, who I will refer to as Skittles. Minor results may be collected from the Naysayer, Facial-hair, or anyone who lives in the Michael-Chamber. Game on!

I'm not sure how long this experiment will last but I'm not gonna stop until one of them either loses it, or says "Dakota" like the old charging horses in the Old West.... Because I'm a stallion.... Anyway I will have to check back in here when something awesome happens and account the story. So please don't tell any of my roommates you don't know about "Dakota"... If they read the blog, that's one thing, but.... still.... I'm looking forward to it... even though I already fear the power of that song...

My experiment on Skittles begins tomorrow. My own sanity is on the line, but it is the name of science! Has man ever embarked in so great a cause? Yes. But not often!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Thank the drink company that paid for your long board.

About a week ago I went long boarding. I don’t know how to long board. I was like a baby that got thrown into the deep end. Yeah I fell in front of a cute boy. I took about a century to get down the canyon and it was definitely safe to say I had no long boarding skills. My friends could’ve bought and eaten 6 shrimp rings by the time I got down that sucker. My friends love long boarding but I gave up on that distant dream of me ever being able to do it. Then I get a call from this dude telling me I won a long board. Some of you may have seen that long board in the creamery and people were entering to win. Yeah one day I was buying my milk (milk is heavy so I don’t like to drag it home from the real grocery store) and the cashier person told me to fill out this paper to win a long board I did it because well the lady in front of me was taking a century and I like to write my name and number on things. BOOM> then I won. Clearly God got angry that I was giving up on the long boarding dream. I soon realized it’s my DESTINY. There I am walking out of the creamery, long board in hand looking like the biggest poser around but I held my head high because I was a believer. Yeah I was gonna get it. I was gonna save the world on my long board.

I think thats a surfer, but thats pretty close to the epic picture I have in mind when I say I am going to save the world. So I scooted my butt around a school for a few hours just going around and around and I am slowly getting somewhere. In just a small time I will have it! And I will go back to the canyon and make it down that sucker in reasonable time! And then I will go buy Honestade or whatever the company was that sponsored it and got me the long board. Morals of the story: thank the drink company who pays for your long board, and if you give up on a hobby that you’re not suppose to, God will let you know.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

2 Years Ago!

One year ago today a great celebration occurred. One that caused a great swelling of pride among a group of students. Nay, of heroes. One year ago today, we celebrated what happened 2 years ago today! One year ago today I wrote a memento:

"Today is an anniversary of one of the greatest days in the history of the world! And no, I'm not talking about Columbus Day! (Although I do believe in Columbus) Today is the anniversary of the time that a drunk suicidal man drove into my school! Best Day Ever! All I know is I had a math test I wasn't ready for and went to bed super depressed! Never have emotions gone from absolutely awful to just plain amazing in such a little amount of time!

"A lot of people don't really believe me, but let me assure you, its true! Check out as proof! Seminary..... Canceled! Better than a Snow Day! YEAH! So, in honor of the greatest day in the history of the world, School is canceled! For All! Just like it was canceled one year ago! And every year from today forward!

"Go America!"

One year ago today a great day was celebrated. One year ago today, I couldn't convince people to actually skip school and felt kinda lame sitting on my bed in my dorm room alone. But that was one year ago. Two years ago today, as I was about to go to bed, my phone rang with news that the next day was canceled, and that I didn't have to wake up at 5am for seminary! An entire culture (Or um... subculture... or... student body) did not have to go to school based on the heroics of one drunk! A suicidal drunk who many suspect as being un-suicidal. Regardless of these vicious rumors about his orientation, he has created a holiday that thousands will always remember. And for this we thank him.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sterling Silver

Dear Sterling, mi amor,

I miss you like Cindy-Lou misses Christmas. Please either 1) start writing on the blog - OR - 2) move back to Colorado. I know you haven't even left yet and I'll be in Utah the whole time anyways... But what am I supposed to do over Christmas break? I simply can't wait until you finally get to BYU! Plus, if you go on a mission, that's even longer... I shudder at the thought! What if I meet another Sterling before you get home? You can't ask me to give up 2 years of my life! Even so, Tu es mas guapissimo que la voz de Morgan Freeman.

Te amo,
Nick Evans

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Cars Revisited

And NO! I'm not talking about the new Disney-Pixar movie: Cars 2: World Grand Prix, (although I love Pixar) this post is about how much I've grown to hate Cars. You remember how when you're 15 you think driving is going to be the greatest thing to ever happen... ever?! I do. How wrong we were. Driving kinda bites, like unto Pat's dog.

As with most things I own, I have been doing my best to destroy my vehicular mobile. In my years of driving I have been able to trade paint with 4 other cars. Only one of which was a moving car (the only one I'm not responsible for), because my eyes are focused on movement. You become invisible if you stand still long enough. Then on top of that Ive been able to break my blinker and knock off my mirror with a pillar and a cement curb. Not to mention totaling the Infiniti... In this entry, I would like to clarify my struggles...
My First - A parked suburban.
Damage - Broken Tail Light, dent into side of suburban.
Summary - Okay, I still claim innocence in this incident! What happened was that my mom
parked her suburban outside of the garage, for no apparent reason, and didn't tell me she did it! So its a white car, it had snowed that morning, my rear window is covered in snow, and its 5:50 in the morning...

Second Accident - Paul Woodbury's green Saturn.
Damage - Loss of front license plate, loss of paint on front of car, and yet... no visible damage to Paul's car...
Summary - Ok... This one was my fault... Pretty much completely... What happened was while I was driving Charlie from seminary to school and we were waiting at the light to turn into my school's parking lot when for some reason, unknown to me, I decided, "Hey... I should gun it forward without looking up! Undoubtedly light turned green while I wasn't paying attention!" So sure enough I slam into his trunk... It must have looked really funny to everyone else thoough cause everything was fine then this red mustang just lost it and gunned it into the back of a green Saturn. Everyone must have been curious as to whether I was mad at him or just thought green always meant go, even if its on a car (which of course is TRUE! If you drive a green car you don't ever have to stop). So we didn't even ever talk about it, since most of the damage was done to my car... and Paul's German exchange student's mental status (I'm not kidding...). The funny part is, I knew something about my car did look different but couldn't figure out what it was until after school when I looked again... My license plate was gone! I was freaking out and dragged Jordan along to help me go and look for it. Sure enough, there it still was at the scene of the crime, just lying in the road, thankfully.

Third Accident - Backed into in a parking lot
Damage - Minimal
Summary - Well this is the common right of passage to all drivers, the 'I was already here and you kept backing up even tho I'm blaring my horn and reversing' accident. I don't think I need to go into detail. I just looked at her angrily, she apologized, then I went home to eat Cheez-its. (Which I realize I'm way too nice. Cause when I hit people like she hit me... They charge me for everything I'm worth). I did miss a great opportunity to get an attractive girl's phone number though...

Fourth Accident - The light post
Damage - Broken Blinker, hole/gash in front left bumper, body plate bent so that my door pops
when I try to open it, stained my best pair of pants.
Summary - Okay, so this is going to take the help of a visual example again. Pretty much, I imitated Jasmin and turned around to grab something from the back, miscalculated my trajectory, and slammed into my light column at my house. That was the biggest impact I've felt in a car. Like I went from 18 - 0 really really fast... I know that sounds lame but it scared me, okay? I had to start parking in a bush to hide the damage...

Fifth Accident - The Curb
Damage - My rear view mirror is no longer attached to my windshield
Summary - So I'm a little bitter about this one as well... What happened is that I was pulling out onto Arapahoe Road from a gas station in my Mustang and was being a good lil driver and all. But I was looking to my left to make sure no cars were coming, all of the sudden my car tries to......jump. I just ducked screaming, "I'm back in 'nam!" When I regained my composure, I backed up carefully and still didn't see anything... So I had to get out of my car and look to see this little triangle of raised cement in the middle of the road with no signs and no purpose... except maybe as a joke... It was totally invisible to me! My windshield is really angled so seeing is already and issue and... yeah... stupid WaterWay... Oh and for future reference, hot glue does not attach a mirror back onto a windshield. Not because I've tried it or anything... Its just, uh, what I've heard.

Sixth Accident - Mrs. Prego
Damage - Estimated damage cost: $2,100 to my car. Damage and injury to her: unknown.
Summary - Wow... This list is getting WAAAY too long. I started it thinking. Well at least this will be a short blog post. But I guess I'm just a pretty terrible driver. This explains why my Dad was so clear every time I would take a car driving this summer. ("Don't get in a wreck!")

Anyways, D-bone and I were driving home from work when we stopped at a light. As I leaned down to change the radio, I sorta let go of the break. Next thing I knew I watched in slow motion as the Infiniti's hood bent upwards. Its like how I've always imagined mountains being raised from the Earth. I got out of the car upset and who comes out but a 6 month, already looks like she's gonna pop, pregnant woman. You've gotta be kidding me! We agreed that all the damage was to my car and that she was fine. * note: She was fine until the next day when her insurance called me claiming damage AND injury... some people obviously deserve this:
So I hope this has been educational. And I'm actually not that bad of a driver, I was ranked no. 1 during a BMW driver thingy... for lack of a better word... I just don't pay a lot of attention to... a lot of things...


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Spend the next few weeks pooping on your balcony.

I love college. I love Provo. I love this boy who lives by me but wont text me. I’m back in Provo and I’ve already learned so much about life and how to take it down. I will now share. This is the opposite of my last post if you haven’t caught on yet. Its like my apology blog for such sadness. Wheres Wallace when you need him??? SO THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO LIVE IT UP!

GUTS. Everyone has em, some use em. You need guts so you can walk over to a man’s house with your number in your hand. You know where he lives due to your one previous conversation that went very well and he told you where he lived and invited you over anytime. Note to idiots: everyone says that just to be polite, nobody expects you to actually go over. But when GUTS get in the way. You have no choice. P.s. never search guts on Google image.

Secret pathway to Rancheritos. This is a rare commodity, if you don’t have one, make one. Get some trucks, some burritos, whatever it takes!

Balcony food fights. If you don’t have balconys. You can stand on the cinder block you might find stuck in your house on the third floor. Thatll come in handy… after the food fight you will find grapes really DO turn into raisins. The birds really WILL come. And one giant one will lay eggs in your flower pot and spend the next few weeks pooping on your balcony.

Men dressed as Indians in speedos on skateboards with bow and arrows. This means you have good neighbors.

An idea for a brilliant movie that will make you rich. Ahem! There’s that movie the computer wore tennis shoes. Computer wore tennis shoes… followed by an intense sequel of computer gore tennis shoes. The computer will destroy all and leave nothing but tennis shoes behind! Followed by and even more intense film computer whore tennis shoes. All good things come in trilogys. And this. This is money.

Life is SWEET. And it lasts a long time and never runs outta flavah.

uh. i guess the stuff i wrote under the pictures felt a little unnoticed due to the greatness above them and decided to make themselves stand out. if someone with magic powers such as nick wants to fix that...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


My job this summer was a tennis instructor. It sounds like a dream job, and honestly it was pretty good. However, it was 45 minutes away from my house. Therefore, I spent a great deal of quality time with my Toyota Sequoia, Kenneth the Behemoth. I really feel like we bonded, but I challenge anyone to sit in parking lot traffic on I-25 in silence.
At the beginning of the summer, my old cassette adapter that allowed me to play my Ipod in the car finally bit the dust. Due to this unfortunate event, I was forced to do something that I almost never did before- listen to the radio.
And the radio sucks.
Seriously, it’s awful.

Pictured: The current state of radio

You either have the hip hop, top 40 stations, the classic rock stations, or 93.3. They all play the same songs, every day, all the time. The same terrible, eardrum-violating songs. At first I stuck to the classic rock stations, but it only took a week or two to realize that out of all the rock songs they could choose from, they only played these songs:

Listen to the Music by the Doobie Brothers,
Proud Mary by Creedence Clearwater Revival,
The Joker by Steve Miller Band,
Any song by Led Zeppelin that isn’t actually good.

Needless to say, after hearing “Whoa-o-OOOOOH, listen to the music” until my ears started crying hippie tears, I tried 93.3. I was swiftly reminded that 93.3 only plays music made by rock bands with lead singers who still wear diapers and were probably anatomically female 5 years ago.

Aw, don't cry! You'll ruin your eyeliner

Finally, I had no choice but to turn to the Top 40 stations.
In Denver, these stations are 95.7, 107.1, and 107.5. These stations take variety to a level even lower than your neighborhood lemonade stand.

They don't even have sugarfree

They rotate between about 5 songs, give or take, usually depending on how much they hate your ears. My 13 year-old sister brought these stations to my attention, because I have to drive her a lot. Anyone who has had a 13 year-old sister knows, their word is law, and swift retribution awaits any older brother who attempts to retaliate. At first I angrily accepted her wishes. But now, I listen to the stations whenever I drive. Not because I enjoy the music, nor because I hate myself-I have a greater purpose than that.
Let me explain.
These stations have such deficient variety that you’ll find two of them playing the same song simultaneously more often than you find Lil’ Wayne in prison. The prevalence of the event is astounding. However, I’m searching for another event that as of yet remains theoretical.

Three stations.
Same song.

I call it.


Every drive is a new mission. I shuffle through the stations constantly. I get two stations all the time. But never the Trifecta. No, it eludes me... for now
I’m calling out to whoever reads this, join me in my search! This event must be possible, and it will not stay unnoticed for long. If anyone reading this discovers the Trifecta, their reward will be eternal fame and glory in revealing how abysmally useless the radio truly is. And I’ll give you a tasty fruit basket too.

UPDATE: At the time of writing, this event remained unobserved, until NOW! My girlfriend Felicia can now be credited as the first human being ever to observe the trifecta, with the song being “DJ Got Us Fallin in Love” by Usher and Shih Tzu (I think that’s his name--some sort of dog).

Schnauzer? Scooby-Doo? It's on the tip of my tongue

Let us rejoice that this event you just learned about happened, in the unlikely event that anyone of you actually care about it as much as me... Enjoy the fruit basket!


Well wait, not really.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Flaming Mustache part 2

Okay everyone, let's play a Game. It's called, Find what's different about the following two pictures. Feel free to scroll up and down until you see it. I'll give you a hint, its not the different seasons or angle of the picture that I'm looking for...So do you see it? Or rather, do you not see it? IT'S GONE! Like magic even. One semester its there, bringing the students of BYU joy, and now... Its gone! It was a sad day, coming back to BYU only to find it missing. It felt so empty. Turns out that the Flaming Mustache was only a seasonal exhibit, and that it has moved on. I wasn't sure how to react. At first I fell to my knees and screamed towards the sky, then I was angry and threw a big rock into the pond, and then I laid on my back and cried. The Flaming Mustache was like this Blog's mascot!

It was quite the slap in the face I must say! I biked around the HFAC and looked for the familiar mustache-shaped fire and, nothing was there... It's probably banned from BYU. I'm sure its somewhere in the Honor Code... "Self-expression through the use of flames and mustaches is prohibited on school grounds." Of course this will inspire lots of new art with flames OR with mustaches, but its not the same!

Anyways, I guess the people in the Art Museum were aware of the pain they were causing the students at BYU. So they replaced the mustache with these. But ask yourself, Where is the fire? Where are the mustaches?
Okay.... I'll admit they are kinda cool. But still! No amount of other cool things can replace the fact that my love is gone. Now my Bonnie really does lie somewhere over the ocean...

Well I wish to mourn this loss some more so I bid you readers farewell.... Go America... Go mustache-less-BYU....

Thursday, September 2, 2010


"Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym" - Jack Black, School of Rock

I had to start this post with one of my favorite movie quotes of all time. the line made that movie, in my opinion. That quote, and 'Stick-it-to-the-man-neurosis". Anyways, the reason I made this post is simply because throughout this summer, I have collected a small number of my favorite last names of teachers. If you have any better ones feel free to let me know. I'm still on the look out for Mrs. Isaman, Hairylegs, or anything of that sort. Here are my top three from this summer while moving schools.

No. 3 - Mrs. Loving

Awww... (said lovingly). Now this was the first one that caught my attention. Although I'm sure that Mrs. Loving was probably sent straight from Hades, just the idea makes me hope she's the perfect teacher. Who always brings nachos to class (nachos being the food of platonic love, bacon, the food of romantic love). Someone like the teacher, Mrs. Honey (I think) from Matilda. That'd be a pretty good last name too...

No. 2 - Mrs. Mercy

How many times throughout school would Mrs. Mercy have come in handy?! Dang I could've used some Mrs. Mercy when I forgot to do my essays or failed a test, especially in Calc last year. Math 112 by Mrs. Mercy would probably fill up faster than a car light fills with unexplainable dead bugs.

Finally what you've all been waiting for... Well... probably not, you've probably just scrolled down and looked at the pictures and haven't read any of the words so you didn't have to wait at all. But I've had to write all that and have been anxiously awaiting my opportunity to introduce my single favorite teacher last name of all time. Drum roll please....

No. 1 - Mrs. Mankiller

Yes! I agree, that name deserves the number one spot! Sure the picture came out a little shaky, I was at work after all, but the name? Maybe one of my top 5 last names of all time! Terrifying as all Heaven and Earth combined: Mrs. Mankiller. I mean just look at the name! She kills men, dang it! Can you get a better name! As for a teacher's last name in particular, it may not be as great a correlation as the other two but... Its awesome regardless! Thank you University of Denver, for producing my favorite teacher's last name of all time.

She probably taught Calc.

Well that's it for now. As always, Go America!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Bailey's Moving and Storage

In case you didn't know, I've worked for a moving company this entire summer. Its been... fun? Is that the word? I'm not sure... In fact I'm probably going to just come out and say that fun is a pretty poor description of the job. The job pretty much as bad as the newest season of Scrubs. Until pay day at least. Then its the best job ever! (that I can get)! So anyways, I work everyday for hours on end, looking longingly forward to being back at home and letting my mind rot watching TV for a few hours. This is what keeps me going after long days.

It all happened earlier this summer when D-bone and myself began looking for a job. After weeks of constant rejection, we stumbled upon a moving company called, "Bailey's Moving and Storage" to which I sold my soul by signing my name in blood... (I can't believe I didn't find that suspicious) I agreed to call in every night to see if I was working the next day. That's right, I never knew my schedule until the night before, and even then you don't get off until the job is done, not at a predetermined time. Some days you'll stay til midnight, some days til noon. You just never know... Speaking of which........ Well... working at 745 tomorrow. So like I was saying, you can't plan ahead at all! Which really really bites. Even the occasional excitement of a day off isn't enough to make up for it. My favorite part of the experience is the people I get to work with (yes, that even exceeds the unbelievably large muscles I have acquired). Most all of them have spent time in prison for one thing or another. In fact it surprised me while talking to another worker that he had not been to jail. You know you've worked at Bailey's too long when you've forgotten that most people don't go to jail.

So today I started at 715, and as usual, sat around for a little while before we leaving the warehouse. When we got to the place we were supposed to move, as usual we couldn't guess what time we would get off. It wasn't until around 4 pm we knew we were in trouble. I was trapped in a single room all day (as I often am...) loading stuff onto wheels to push onto the truck. So while I'm working, a guy named Raul walks in and starts talking negetively about the job. He starts saying that we'd be there for another 5 hours. I was ticked! First of all, we'd been there for..evvv..ver. For EEEVVV er, and secondly, I thought all we had left was a bunch of giant glass windows and a couple doors. So I made a bet with him. I bet him that we'd be done around 8 at the latest. He said 920. So I took him up on it. If we got back at 919 or earlier, he would owe me a soda. 920 on I owed him one.

I felt pretty dang confident that he'd owe me a soda, and so did the rest of the crew. Sure enough, we had our job load lessened by the manager of the building letting us get rid of some of the boxes that would have cost us another 2 hours. We kept working, now approaching 545 and all that was left was a bunch of giant glass windows and a couple doors. No problem. We started on the giant glass windows. They sure didn't move very fast though, and they were stinkin heavy.

Finally, we were just about finished around 730 or so. The crew was tired and sick of working. Even more sick of our manager. But that was ok, because we'd knocked out the entire room we were responsible for, and upstairs was done already. All we had left was a bunch of giant glass windows and a couple doors. Then it hit me, what the heck?! How the crap had 3 hours of working pass, and yet we had made NO progress!

I couldn't believe it... we drove home after finally finishing, leaving the job site at 853. I had to watch the clock count up to 919 as we pulled into the warehouse. As we park the car, Raul and I both take a glance at the car clock. 920. I'm serious. Exactly 920. Everyone in the car even knew about the bet, and just gave me endless torment. How'd he do it? Raul had predicted our arrival time, to the exact minute, over 5 hours previous! And now I owe him a soda! Ridiculous!

So I guess I write to much so I'm going to stop there for now. I have plenty of stories for another time. Just though I would wipe out the exposition of my summer now so that I can build upon it later. My overall review of working at Baileys? 2 little moving figurines, out of 5.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Lets think about this. What does one need in life for say, a summer to be happy? Here’s the list.

1. A side kick. (Quality of side kick goes down drastically when they are overly involved with their boyfriend)

2. A man friend.

3. Time to see all the little people.

4. Freedom.

Here’s the list of things that you don’t want.

1. Life consuming job with bullies and ex man friend.

2. Over controlling and opinionated parents.

3. Another mean ex man friend.

4. To be a million miles away from your favorite people.

Alright so when none of the first list is present and the entire second list is present youre left with…. Well… I call this goin crazy. Once youre already gone you do things to keep you going. Such as.

1. Give your bully a friendship bracelet.

2. Tell your ex man friend youre glad youre enemies and to BRING IT ON.

3. Pour your water bottle on your head as you leave work in hopes that you will drown. ( If its raining you may need a few bottles to get the same effect)

4. Talk to every stranger and make friends for the day. (try to avoid clingy people)

I love making lists. But I must clarify NONE of this is specific to my life. I’m just trying to paint a picture here. Picture… picture… oh! I forgot the mandatory picture!

Yes. life's rough so take it like this cat and put on your game face. p.s. I'm a short and sweet type person so don't be hatin on me for having shorter posts, i was born that way.

Friday, June 25, 2010


Stupid Spiders.... Gah I hate them, but while I was recently talking to James about them, I realized, I haven't written on the blog in a long time... So, I decided to write about something I'm passionate about. aka: Spiders. Something about them just creeps me out... No... Everything about them just freaks me out.

My fear all started when I was a little boy. Vulnerable, and much closer to the size of a spider. I was on every little kids favorite field trip. A trip to the Butterfly Pavilion. Oh butterflies, how I loved them. So peaceful and friendly and not-arachnid like. I looked forward to seeing them fly above my head; however, my teacher, in an loosely-symbolic attempt to cure racism, decided that ALL insects deserved our attention and admiration. "Whether they be black, or white, or yellow, or hideous and deadly, it didn't matter because everyone and everything was equal!" She would say with a subtle jab at Hitler.

So I was dragged away from the Butterfly door with painted rainbows and smiling suns and forced to face the Spider room. 'Fine', thought I, 'I'm a boy, I'm supposed to like these better anyways!' At least until I saw one crawling across the hands of a "Trainer" woman. A big hairy freak from Space that probably crash landed on this planet and single-handedly destroyed the dinosaurs.

'F THIS!' thought I coolly, as I began to back away from the monster. But no, the Spider lady would not be denied. No more children would leave her for the lowly butterfly trainer woman, NO! She called me back, and I was forced to endure her attempt to brainwash me into thinking the freakish being was just misunderstood, not dangerous, but my instincts knew otherwise. Regardless, I, being young, fell for her temptation and allowed the alien creature to crawl across my hand. I hated it, but it was over quickly and no physical damage was done. So she let me go.

I was then shepherded to a see a rare species of Spider, a breed of Venezuelan Jumping Spider that can jump several inches or even a few feet. Yes... Jump... Once again, I found myself front and center to prove to the other children that the spider really can jump and was put in front of the smaller, but no less formidable beast. We stared at each other, our mutual hatred clearly visible. And then it was gone! I heard a gasp from the audience and then applause. My confusion increased wondering what sort of magic trick this lady had performed that was able to get rid of the spider and hoping she would teach it to all of us. It was then I looked on my sleeve and found him there, challenging me.
Needless to say I screamed like Tanner Hall with broken ankles (well worth a youtube trip) and swatted at my enemy throwing him hurtling towards the ground. The 'trainer' was visually upset at me, even scolded me! To this day I can't believe this! She sent her best attack, so I sent mine. How is that not fair? I was in trouble for overreacting, but a freaking deadly Venezuelan terror had attached itself to me! Its not even like I killed it or anything, despite best efforts... To add to this horror, I threw up all over the floor upon finally entering the butterfly room, having all my built up nerves release. Then they shuttled me back to the bus to sit alone as all the other children had butterflies fly all around them...

So I believe my intense fear comes from that fateful day. Every Spider I approach I fear lest it will be a Jumping spider, which evidently account for "about 13% of all species" (Thank you - Jumping Spider for providing that terrifying fact).

Oh but my ridiculously long story doesn't end there. No no no. Our hero, yours truly (feel free to picture me in a gleaming suit of armor), has yet to vanquish the world of the terrifying foe. This brings me to last week and another long story.

I was doing a job for a friend which required me to move all the rocks in her garden-like hill, rake out all the pine needles, and then put all the rocks back. They were big ol' rocks too! I was so tired that night... Anyways, turns out that Spiders kinda liked the rocks and pine needles the way they were. So it was war. But I came prepared with a Spider's greatest GLOVES! Whahahahaha! Sure enough, almost every rock I picked up had some sorta spider on the other side. Most were daddy long legs, that are like pawns, pretty much useless in war unless used properly, which of course they weren't. But nearing the end, I found their King:

Yeah... Gross... Probably roots for the Red Wings too... Grosser... Somewhere around 3 inches from leg tip to leg tip. And sending me running to the bottom of the hill with my heart racing... But I knew what I must do. In a courageous charge, I grasped the rock that once hid the beast and in a moment of satisfying irony, used the monster's shelter to crush it. Success! I then smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me and I strayed out of Space and Time. Stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the Earth. But it was not the end, I felt life in me again... (allusion to LOTR present in this paragraph, if you can find it, let me know and I'll give you your prize! You do of course also have to name the director, film, time of film referenced, character name and actor referenced, and exactly what it means and how it applies to this post.)
And there lies its dead body... RIP... No... Nevermind... Burn forever in a lake of fire and brimstone dirtbag!

Still, every night in bead, I fear the return of this Spider, and when the wind blows my sheets funny across my back, often leap out of bed, run to turn on my light, and beat the daylights out of my bed with my canoe paddle I recently bought as a solution. The problem is this canoe paddle is never present in my dreams, which, since this most recent job, have been spider infested many a night. Worst of all my subconscious has gotten creative and occasionally grants them the gift of flight... Yes, flying spiders, spiders with wings. There is nothing more terrifying. And without my trusty canoe paddle, I don't much stand a chance against their organized forces.
Spiders suck... Go America!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Providing the Finest in Family Fun and Entertainment

I typed this post up in word… before I came here and saw James post. To my embarrassment I found myself being redundant with the amusement park theme. But what can a girl do… come summer THIS IS MY LIFE. That’s right, everyday I provide the finest in family fun and entertainment at the number two best kids park in the WORLD: Idlewild and Soak Zone. Second only to Lego Land

If you have ever seen Adventure Land. WHICH YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE. Its rated R. not for loiterers. BUT Adventure Land is filmed in PITTSBURGH at Kennywood… our sister park. This movie depicts my job as a worker in games (as James said the little stands where you win stuffed animals) as... well the worst job in the world. WRONG! My job is hilarious. Although I am stuck in a small box all day with socially off co workers I never miss the family gathering in front of the fountain for a nice family photo… and getting soaked when the wind comes. This is in the Idlewild section of the park. The soak zone section looks more like this.

There’s the obsessive parents that will spend 50 dollars just so that all three of their kids can walk away with a giant dinosaur full of foam beans that will fall out the next day so that they are left with something that can’t even stand up because the heads too big and there’s now a hole in the neck, and my favorite and yours the kids who want to play the game and they argue with you when you try to explain the game yelling “don’t listen to her she just wants your money!” After three years I have decided that amusement parks are full of crazy people. Both workers and guests.

At least I get to know all the season pass holders. They collect stuffed star fish in every color and know if you have a really cute baby you can get free tries at throwing the ball into the toilet, and they don't have to spend five dollars before they realize the basketball hoop is not standard size.

Okay soo… I guess it’s more boring than I lead on… I guess ill just stop now. While you kids are doing cool summer things like going to the beach and flying kites. Think of me in my little stand providing the finest in family fun and entertainment and next time you’re at an amusement park remember there’s more to life than that giant dinosaur and just walk away.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sometimes you gotta suck it up and embarrass yourself for the sake of entertainment and obnoxiously long titles

Now for tonight’s bit, I thought I’d recount another good memory of old; James’ first ride on a roller coaster! This is for you Nick.

When I was 10, our Destination Imagination team kicked so much [CENSORED VULGARITY *GASP*] that we made the Global Finals in Knoxville, Tennessee. The entire trip was a pretty amazing experience, but I think the day at Dollywood takes the cake as far as making it memorable.

So Dollywood is an amusement park, with funnel cakes and attractions and the little stands that you can win stuffed animals from and…roller coasters. At this particular point in my life, I had not ridden anything even remotely close to a roller coaster. As far as 10 year-old James was concerned, they were killer hellbeasts, and I could too clearly imagine my seatbelt failing and myself flying through the air, landing in a flattened heap on the ground, bones broken and pants soiled. However, this didn’t stop Nick. Nick was going to get me to ride on the Tennessee Tornado, whether I liked it or not. Now at the time, the Tennessee Tornado was Dollywood’s prime roller coaster. It featured a hair-raising drop straight into a cave thing, only to come out and do TWO full loops. Loops as in upside down. Being upside down. On a roller coaster. Understandably I was not so keen.

Pictured: Fun(?!)

Somehow, and I still don’t know how exactly, I ended up sitting beside Nick, getting strappedinto the freaking Tennessee Tornado. Oh, the back of the train too, because “the back is the mostintense.” Thanks Nick. So we go off. Sweat is pouring off my face. However, I'm feeling moderately ok as we climb up the hill.

But then….

The drop.

We go down the drop…

Big drop...


Not small...

And I rise out of my seat….

And I don’t think I’ve ever, before or since, ever so totally and certainly felt like I was going to die. My heart started racing, I closed my eyes and held onto my restraint as hard as I could. It was awful. I was still reeling from it as we got off the ride.


Oh, is the story boring you? Well, that was pretty much the introduction…

Nick wants to go a second time. Feeling like one near-death experience was enough for the day, I refused. And refused. And refused.

And then there I was, sitting beside Nick. On the Tennessee Tornado. In the back. But this time, I knew what to expect. And I was WAY more nervous. I kept replaying the drop in my head, over and over again. I was starting to panic. I could feel my heart racing. This was not good. I wanted to get off. But my shoulder restraint was on. I was trapped. The train was moving.

So I tried to keep my cool. I took deep breaths, I closed my eyes. We started to approach the hill when…

The ride stops.

The ride


And we sit there. And sit there…

I’m still not sure how this happened, honestly, but with the ride stopping and the attendants coming up to us to tell us there’s just a small “issue” or something that needs to be taken care of,

I snap.


See this peaceful, relaxing scene? Imagine the exact opposite.

Instantaneously, I transformed into a blubbering, screaming mess, begging for anyone to take my off that horrific death machine. I was pulling at my restraint, screaming at the ride attendants, generally doing my best to get the point across that I had completely lost my mind and I was going to do whatever it took to get off of the hellbeast. The people around me were desperately trying to get me to calm down, even though I really wasn’t aware of it. The funniest part of this whole thing though is that through at least 20 minutes of me being in full-scale freak out, the attendants never let me off the ride. They repeatedly told me throughout the ordeal that they couldn’t let me off. Secretly, I think they just enjoyed the sight of a 10 year-old who was absolutely convinced he was about to die. I still hate them to this day.

So the ride finally started again, we did the drop and the loops and my pants somehow stayed clean, and then it was over. I was still wiping tears from my face as we walked off. Needless to say, there were no more rides for me that day. I was ridiculed by Nick and the other members of the DI team for quite a while after that. Now though, I’ve made peace with the fact that I was a complete sissy. And that’s why I’m here today; to share my embarrassing past with the world. Peace out.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Back from College

Who else is ready for school to end? I mean seriously? I'm pretty done with all my classes... FINALLY! Man I've been here for a long time without seeing the east side of the mountains. However, looking back at it, there are some invaluable lessons that college has taught me:

1) I now have the ability to catch anything that falls out of cupboards or freezers. Really! I just noticed this talent a few weeks ago when some jar of strawberries fell out of the freezer and I caught it and put it back mindlessly. Suddenly I realized, I catch falling stuff every time I open the freezer!

2) Home is not only where the heart is. Home is where there is food, that you didn't buy, but that you can eat.

3) How weird it is that the rest of the world seems to stop doing anything before 10.

4) How ridiculously easy High School was. I remember whining about it and how annoying it was... How wrong I was...

5) The true value of video games... Without Super Smash Bros, I think our whole dorm would've lost their minds! And without Star Wars: Battlefront The Tall One would've lost it and started shooting people! Fortunately he stuck just to shooting Algorithms instead. What's better after way too much studying than getting in virtual fights with your roommates every night? Oh yeah, making the loser do push ups! (got me back in shape)

6) Need is not the mother of invention... Avoiding Studying is!

To prove our awesome-ness, and just how true # 5 and 6 are... I thought I would show just how amazingly... awesome we are! Clearly procrastinating studying for finals, we found glitches in Super Smash Brothers. Yeah I know, we're pretty cool... How we did it was from a rumor that you could create a black hole. Sure enough we did it... then we IMPROVED upon it! Here's the basic idea:

But... We made it even more awesome. What we did was drop a fox in and Down-B at the same moment he would have gone in the black hole while he's still invincible.

Whala! Insta-Anti-Boredom! And yes... We did have enough time on our hands to find this...

Wallace is sorry you had to see that...

I think that this all calls for a "Go America"... Yup, indeed.

Monday, May 3, 2010

fish, gas, and Harry Potter.

After a sad goodbye to Provo and the most awesome people, and my trip to Washington I have found myself finally back in Pennsylvania. One strange encounter along the way was with a gas station in Oregon… where you can’t pump gas… stranger yet this is the way it must be in Oregon. People spend their gas station time watching someone ELSE pump their gas. I am glad I do not live in Oregon or I would need to find new ways to feel independent. I’d probably have to grow my own cereal or go fishing. I hate fishing. When I was ten I cried when I caught a fish by his eye. That was my first and last fishing experience.

But I am now back home to pumping my own gas and my immortal fish. Along with him being left at home when I went on Vacation and living a lonely fish life in a nasty bowl for 3 years he survived swimming in soapy sink water. I was hoping he would die when I was away at college so I wouldn’t have to wake up to him starring into my soul anymore but clearly he is not done with his goals in life. Most gold fish finish what they needed to do in life within a month of getting them. Figures I get a fighter as a last minute panicked Christmas present from my brother. Sorry I have nothing better to talk about than fish and gas. I’d tell you the crazy stories but you wouldn’t believe me. That or somebody with authority would read it. I hate it when that happens.

So no crazy stories but Ill leave you with two pictures because Nick has a rule about needing pictures in your posts and he likes facebook. and I aim to please. I like it when Harry Potter and Edward meets Mean Girls.

Keep it real kids. peace.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Some quick fun

Alright so I've been pretty bored of late. My options are either study more or do nothing... And do nothing tends to win those battles... So here's what I've found. While I love the picture of the week section, that's just not enough. Only once a week? With the amount of time I spend looking at cool things?! An insult! So here we go, get ready for some of the 'would be pictures of the week that I didn't have time for': (OH and sorry about the stupid pictures being ridiculously too large. Just click on any of them and they will redirect you to the link of the actual picture. I really tried to make it look good... but... alas... I failed... Oh well.)

And here's a movie that's pretty cool too! Kind on the same idea as the picture above:

Of course most importantly... Here are the renders of what I've been working on for my Computer Graphics Class... I think they're not half bad!

And Finally... Just because it worked, and my entire FHE and Kendall joined in: here's proof:

Hope you guys have enjoyed! (Most all of these pictures were found on