Thursday, August 18, 2011


News has spread throughout the little town of Denver in which I live with my parents... that an Ikea store will be opening in my little state of Colorado. I've said little because leading scientists have been arguing that the store just would not fit in 104,098 sq feet. Despite these warnings, Ikea still opened up by Park Meadows, or 20 minutes by

car from my house. Now I'll be honest. I'd never head of this "Ikea" business. But I figured with so much hype, it had to be something to behold. So I will attend the store this week. I'm concerned, however, because I've heard reports of 45,000 people in attendance. 45,000? That's almost as many people as there are people in France (of course only when counting the French by the 3/5 Compromise of 1787).

Anyways, if I'm going to take on the exodus to Ikea, I'm going prepared. Yep, that's right. Full camping gear. I have included extra water, a sleeping bag, a tent, and of course bear repellent (you can never be too careful). I know what you're thinking right now... You're thinking something like, Nick you are sooooo stu....pendous! Yes... you're admiring my genius, I know its hard to resist. Well, now I'm prepared fully and just need a buddy (buddy system saves lives) and I'll be off with more to report after the adventure.

Well it's done. I've been to Ikea. First thing I noticed was that I felt like I was going to the airport. We had traffic directors and had to park a quarter of a mile away from anything useful. But when I finally entered I saw what everyone was so excited about. It was actually pretty cool. It was like every singe house I would never be able to afford were all for sale in one place!

My biggest complaint comes from how easy it is to get lost and/or lose your buddies... Which happened quickly in my case. but its ok because they have these handy maps that let you know exactly where you are in the building. They're very easy to read. The Blue is the infinite soul-sucking darkness more IKEA and the orange dot is where you are right now.

WHAT?! Where am I?! Scratch that. The maps don't help at all if you aren't a professional cartographer! It was official, I was lost. I had no idea where I was and I'll admit it. I was scared. So I ran to the nearest employee and told her my woes.

"Excuse me, I need some help!"
"Okay, what are you purchasing?"
"Purchasing? Nothing, I just want---"
"Oh I'm sorry, with the large number of people visiting, I can only help paying customers, not someone who's just loitering about..."
"Loitering... progressively... Okay fine! Whats the cheapest thing you sell?"
"That ottoman."
"Wait... the cheapest thing you sell is $1700? Fine... I'll take it. Just show me the way."

I knew my plan was foolproof. She wound her way through the endless secret passage ways that when I looked at the floor I realized weren't all that secret at all, you just followed the arrows, something most people had trouble with.

Finally she led me around a bend that led to a warehouse all of the sudden.

With enormous false advertising... Not actual size?! 50 cents? You're outta line...
We reached the check out counters and she turned to look at me. I was looking beyond her to the exit... Her eyes narrowed, BUT TOO LATE! I had already propelled the overpriced footstool toward her face and made a dash for the exit! Freedom at last! I thought to myself... "Hey... That was pretty fun... Next time I should by a hotdog..."

Now to be fair. IKEA was actually pretty well priced. I was overall impressed with how cheap it was. Also, I didn't really get lost... Well... yes I did. But not for all that long. And I was only separated from my buddies for a few minutes, because they were hiding from me. Fortunately, Kelsey's laugh carries very well and they were easy to find. I would like to Thank Robyn for taking all the pictures and keeping me safe.

Well til next time. See ya!