Thursday, September 30, 2010

Cars Revisited

And NO! I'm not talking about the new Disney-Pixar movie: Cars 2: World Grand Prix, (although I love Pixar) this post is about how much I've grown to hate Cars. You remember how when you're 15 you think driving is going to be the greatest thing to ever happen... ever?! I do. How wrong we were. Driving kinda bites, like unto Pat's dog.

As with most things I own, I have been doing my best to destroy my vehicular mobile. In my years of driving I have been able to trade paint with 4 other cars. Only one of which was a moving car (the only one I'm not responsible for), because my eyes are focused on movement. You become invisible if you stand still long enough. Then on top of that Ive been able to break my blinker and knock off my mirror with a pillar and a cement curb. Not to mention totaling the Infiniti... In this entry, I would like to clarify my struggles...
My First - A parked suburban.
Damage - Broken Tail Light, dent into side of suburban.
Summary - Okay, I still claim innocence in this incident! What happened was that my mom
parked her suburban outside of the garage, for no apparent reason, and didn't tell me she did it! So its a white car, it had snowed that morning, my rear window is covered in snow, and its 5:50 in the morning...

Second Accident - Paul Woodbury's green Saturn.
Damage - Loss of front license plate, loss of paint on front of car, and yet... no visible damage to Paul's car...
Summary - Ok... This one was my fault... Pretty much completely... What happened was while I was driving Charlie from seminary to school and we were waiting at the light to turn into my school's parking lot when for some reason, unknown to me, I decided, "Hey... I should gun it forward without looking up! Undoubtedly light turned green while I wasn't paying attention!" So sure enough I slam into his trunk... It must have looked really funny to everyone else thoough cause everything was fine then this red mustang just lost it and gunned it into the back of a green Saturn. Everyone must have been curious as to whether I was mad at him or just thought green always meant go, even if its on a car (which of course is TRUE! If you drive a green car you don't ever have to stop). So we didn't even ever talk about it, since most of the damage was done to my car... and Paul's German exchange student's mental status (I'm not kidding...). The funny part is, I knew something about my car did look different but couldn't figure out what it was until after school when I looked again... My license plate was gone! I was freaking out and dragged Jordan along to help me go and look for it. Sure enough, there it still was at the scene of the crime, just lying in the road, thankfully.

Third Accident - Backed into in a parking lot
Damage - Minimal
Summary - Well this is the common right of passage to all drivers, the 'I was already here and you kept backing up even tho I'm blaring my horn and reversing' accident. I don't think I need to go into detail. I just looked at her angrily, she apologized, then I went home to eat Cheez-its. (Which I realize I'm way too nice. Cause when I hit people like she hit me... They charge me for everything I'm worth). I did miss a great opportunity to get an attractive girl's phone number though...

Fourth Accident - The light post
Damage - Broken Blinker, hole/gash in front left bumper, body plate bent so that my door pops
when I try to open it, stained my best pair of pants.
Summary - Okay, so this is going to take the help of a visual example again. Pretty much, I imitated Jasmin and turned around to grab something from the back, miscalculated my trajectory, and slammed into my light column at my house. That was the biggest impact I've felt in a car. Like I went from 18 - 0 really really fast... I know that sounds lame but it scared me, okay? I had to start parking in a bush to hide the damage...

Fifth Accident - The Curb
Damage - My rear view mirror is no longer attached to my windshield
Summary - So I'm a little bitter about this one as well... What happened is that I was pulling out onto Arapahoe Road from a gas station in my Mustang and was being a good lil driver and all. But I was looking to my left to make sure no cars were coming, all of the sudden my car tries to......jump. I just ducked screaming, "I'm back in 'nam!" When I regained my composure, I backed up carefully and still didn't see anything... So I had to get out of my car and look to see this little triangle of raised cement in the middle of the road with no signs and no purpose... except maybe as a joke... It was totally invisible to me! My windshield is really angled so seeing is already and issue and... yeah... stupid WaterWay... Oh and for future reference, hot glue does not attach a mirror back onto a windshield. Not because I've tried it or anything... Its just, uh, what I've heard.

Sixth Accident - Mrs. Prego
Damage - Estimated damage cost: $2,100 to my car. Damage and injury to her: unknown.
Summary - Wow... This list is getting WAAAY too long. I started it thinking. Well at least this will be a short blog post. But I guess I'm just a pretty terrible driver. This explains why my Dad was so clear every time I would take a car driving this summer. ("Don't get in a wreck!")

Anyways, D-bone and I were driving home from work when we stopped at a light. As I leaned down to change the radio, I sorta let go of the break. Next thing I knew I watched in slow motion as the Infiniti's hood bent upwards. Its like how I've always imagined mountains being raised from the Earth. I got out of the car upset and who comes out but a 6 month, already looks like she's gonna pop, pregnant woman. You've gotta be kidding me! We agreed that all the damage was to my car and that she was fine. * note: She was fine until the next day when her insurance called me claiming damage AND injury... some people obviously deserve this:
So I hope this has been educational. And I'm actually not that bad of a driver, I was ranked no. 1 during a BMW driver thingy... for lack of a better word... I just don't pay a lot of attention to... a lot of things...


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Spend the next few weeks pooping on your balcony.

I love college. I love Provo. I love this boy who lives by me but wont text me. I’m back in Provo and I’ve already learned so much about life and how to take it down. I will now share. This is the opposite of my last post if you haven’t caught on yet. Its like my apology blog for such sadness. Wheres Wallace when you need him??? SO THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO LIVE IT UP!

GUTS. Everyone has em, some use em. You need guts so you can walk over to a man’s house with your number in your hand. You know where he lives due to your one previous conversation that went very well and he told you where he lived and invited you over anytime. Note to idiots: everyone says that just to be polite, nobody expects you to actually go over. But when GUTS get in the way. You have no choice. P.s. never search guts on Google image.

Secret pathway to Rancheritos. This is a rare commodity, if you don’t have one, make one. Get some trucks, some burritos, whatever it takes!

Balcony food fights. If you don’t have balconys. You can stand on the cinder block you might find stuck in your house on the third floor. Thatll come in handy… after the food fight you will find grapes really DO turn into raisins. The birds really WILL come. And one giant one will lay eggs in your flower pot and spend the next few weeks pooping on your balcony.

Men dressed as Indians in speedos on skateboards with bow and arrows. This means you have good neighbors.

An idea for a brilliant movie that will make you rich. Ahem! There’s that movie the computer wore tennis shoes. Computer wore tennis shoes… followed by an intense sequel of computer gore tennis shoes. The computer will destroy all and leave nothing but tennis shoes behind! Followed by and even more intense film computer whore tennis shoes. All good things come in trilogys. And this. This is money.

Life is SWEET. And it lasts a long time and never runs outta flavah.

uh. i guess the stuff i wrote under the pictures felt a little unnoticed due to the greatness above them and decided to make themselves stand out. if someone with magic powers such as nick wants to fix that...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


My job this summer was a tennis instructor. It sounds like a dream job, and honestly it was pretty good. However, it was 45 minutes away from my house. Therefore, I spent a great deal of quality time with my Toyota Sequoia, Kenneth the Behemoth. I really feel like we bonded, but I challenge anyone to sit in parking lot traffic on I-25 in silence.
At the beginning of the summer, my old cassette adapter that allowed me to play my Ipod in the car finally bit the dust. Due to this unfortunate event, I was forced to do something that I almost never did before- listen to the radio.
And the radio sucks.
Seriously, it’s awful.

Pictured: The current state of radio

You either have the hip hop, top 40 stations, the classic rock stations, or 93.3. They all play the same songs, every day, all the time. The same terrible, eardrum-violating songs. At first I stuck to the classic rock stations, but it only took a week or two to realize that out of all the rock songs they could choose from, they only played these songs:

Listen to the Music by the Doobie Brothers,
Proud Mary by Creedence Clearwater Revival,
The Joker by Steve Miller Band,
Any song by Led Zeppelin that isn’t actually good.

Needless to say, after hearing “Whoa-o-OOOOOH, listen to the music” until my ears started crying hippie tears, I tried 93.3. I was swiftly reminded that 93.3 only plays music made by rock bands with lead singers who still wear diapers and were probably anatomically female 5 years ago.

Aw, don't cry! You'll ruin your eyeliner

Finally, I had no choice but to turn to the Top 40 stations.
In Denver, these stations are 95.7, 107.1, and 107.5. These stations take variety to a level even lower than your neighborhood lemonade stand.

They don't even have sugarfree

They rotate between about 5 songs, give or take, usually depending on how much they hate your ears. My 13 year-old sister brought these stations to my attention, because I have to drive her a lot. Anyone who has had a 13 year-old sister knows, their word is law, and swift retribution awaits any older brother who attempts to retaliate. At first I angrily accepted her wishes. But now, I listen to the stations whenever I drive. Not because I enjoy the music, nor because I hate myself-I have a greater purpose than that.
Let me explain.
These stations have such deficient variety that you’ll find two of them playing the same song simultaneously more often than you find Lil’ Wayne in prison. The prevalence of the event is astounding. However, I’m searching for another event that as of yet remains theoretical.

Three stations.
Same song.

I call it.


Every drive is a new mission. I shuffle through the stations constantly. I get two stations all the time. But never the Trifecta. No, it eludes me... for now
I’m calling out to whoever reads this, join me in my search! This event must be possible, and it will not stay unnoticed for long. If anyone reading this discovers the Trifecta, their reward will be eternal fame and glory in revealing how abysmally useless the radio truly is. And I’ll give you a tasty fruit basket too.

UPDATE: At the time of writing, this event remained unobserved, until NOW! My girlfriend Felicia can now be credited as the first human being ever to observe the trifecta, with the song being “DJ Got Us Fallin in Love” by Usher and Shih Tzu (I think that’s his name--some sort of dog).

Schnauzer? Scooby-Doo? It's on the tip of my tongue

Let us rejoice that this event you just learned about happened, in the unlikely event that anyone of you actually care about it as much as me... Enjoy the fruit basket!


Well wait, not really.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Flaming Mustache part 2

Okay everyone, let's play a Game. It's called, Find what's different about the following two pictures. Feel free to scroll up and down until you see it. I'll give you a hint, its not the different seasons or angle of the picture that I'm looking for...So do you see it? Or rather, do you not see it? IT'S GONE! Like magic even. One semester its there, bringing the students of BYU joy, and now... Its gone! It was a sad day, coming back to BYU only to find it missing. It felt so empty. Turns out that the Flaming Mustache was only a seasonal exhibit, and that it has moved on. I wasn't sure how to react. At first I fell to my knees and screamed towards the sky, then I was angry and threw a big rock into the pond, and then I laid on my back and cried. The Flaming Mustache was like this Blog's mascot!

It was quite the slap in the face I must say! I biked around the HFAC and looked for the familiar mustache-shaped fire and, nothing was there... It's probably banned from BYU. I'm sure its somewhere in the Honor Code... "Self-expression through the use of flames and mustaches is prohibited on school grounds." Of course this will inspire lots of new art with flames OR with mustaches, but its not the same!

Anyways, I guess the people in the Art Museum were aware of the pain they were causing the students at BYU. So they replaced the mustache with these. But ask yourself, Where is the fire? Where are the mustaches?
Okay.... I'll admit they are kinda cool. But still! No amount of other cool things can replace the fact that my love is gone. Now my Bonnie really does lie somewhere over the ocean...

Well I wish to mourn this loss some more so I bid you readers farewell.... Go America... Go mustache-less-BYU....

Thursday, September 2, 2010


"Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym" - Jack Black, School of Rock

I had to start this post with one of my favorite movie quotes of all time. the line made that movie, in my opinion. That quote, and 'Stick-it-to-the-man-neurosis". Anyways, the reason I made this post is simply because throughout this summer, I have collected a small number of my favorite last names of teachers. If you have any better ones feel free to let me know. I'm still on the look out for Mrs. Isaman, Hairylegs, or anything of that sort. Here are my top three from this summer while moving schools.

No. 3 - Mrs. Loving

Awww... (said lovingly). Now this was the first one that caught my attention. Although I'm sure that Mrs. Loving was probably sent straight from Hades, just the idea makes me hope she's the perfect teacher. Who always brings nachos to class (nachos being the food of platonic love, bacon, the food of romantic love). Someone like the teacher, Mrs. Honey (I think) from Matilda. That'd be a pretty good last name too...

No. 2 - Mrs. Mercy

How many times throughout school would Mrs. Mercy have come in handy?! Dang I could've used some Mrs. Mercy when I forgot to do my essays or failed a test, especially in Calc last year. Math 112 by Mrs. Mercy would probably fill up faster than a car light fills with unexplainable dead bugs.

Finally what you've all been waiting for... Well... probably not, you've probably just scrolled down and looked at the pictures and haven't read any of the words so you didn't have to wait at all. But I've had to write all that and have been anxiously awaiting my opportunity to introduce my single favorite teacher last name of all time. Drum roll please....

No. 1 - Mrs. Mankiller

Yes! I agree, that name deserves the number one spot! Sure the picture came out a little shaky, I was at work after all, but the name? Maybe one of my top 5 last names of all time! Terrifying as all Heaven and Earth combined: Mrs. Mankiller. I mean just look at the name! She kills men, dang it! Can you get a better name! As for a teacher's last name in particular, it may not be as great a correlation as the other two but... Its awesome regardless! Thank you University of Denver, for producing my favorite teacher's last name of all time.

She probably taught Calc.

Well that's it for now. As always, Go America!