Tuesday, September 21, 2010


My job this summer was a tennis instructor. It sounds like a dream job, and honestly it was pretty good. However, it was 45 minutes away from my house. Therefore, I spent a great deal of quality time with my Toyota Sequoia, Kenneth the Behemoth. I really feel like we bonded, but I challenge anyone to sit in parking lot traffic on I-25 in silence.
At the beginning of the summer, my old cassette adapter that allowed me to play my Ipod in the car finally bit the dust. Due to this unfortunate event, I was forced to do something that I almost never did before- listen to the radio.
And the radio sucks.
Seriously, it’s awful.

Pictured: The current state of radio

You either have the hip hop, top 40 stations, the classic rock stations, or 93.3. They all play the same songs, every day, all the time. The same terrible, eardrum-violating songs. At first I stuck to the classic rock stations, but it only took a week or two to realize that out of all the rock songs they could choose from, they only played these songs:

Listen to the Music by the Doobie Brothers,
Proud Mary by Creedence Clearwater Revival,
The Joker by Steve Miller Band,
Any song by Led Zeppelin that isn’t actually good.

Needless to say, after hearing “Whoa-o-OOOOOH, listen to the music” until my ears started crying hippie tears, I tried 93.3. I was swiftly reminded that 93.3 only plays music made by rock bands with lead singers who still wear diapers and were probably anatomically female 5 years ago.

Aw, don't cry! You'll ruin your eyeliner

Finally, I had no choice but to turn to the Top 40 stations.
In Denver, these stations are 95.7, 107.1, and 107.5. These stations take variety to a level even lower than your neighborhood lemonade stand.

They don't even have sugarfree

They rotate between about 5 songs, give or take, usually depending on how much they hate your ears. My 13 year-old sister brought these stations to my attention, because I have to drive her a lot. Anyone who has had a 13 year-old sister knows, their word is law, and swift retribution awaits any older brother who attempts to retaliate. At first I angrily accepted her wishes. But now, I listen to the stations whenever I drive. Not because I enjoy the music, nor because I hate myself-I have a greater purpose than that.
Let me explain.
These stations have such deficient variety that you’ll find two of them playing the same song simultaneously more often than you find Lil’ Wayne in prison. The prevalence of the event is astounding. However, I’m searching for another event that as of yet remains theoretical.

Three stations.
Same song.

I call it.


Every drive is a new mission. I shuffle through the stations constantly. I get two stations all the time. But never the Trifecta. No, it eludes me... for now
I’m calling out to whoever reads this, join me in my search! This event must be possible, and it will not stay unnoticed for long. If anyone reading this discovers the Trifecta, their reward will be eternal fame and glory in revealing how abysmally useless the radio truly is. And I’ll give you a tasty fruit basket too.

UPDATE: At the time of writing, this event remained unobserved, until NOW! My girlfriend Felicia can now be credited as the first human being ever to observe the trifecta, with the song being “DJ Got Us Fallin in Love” by Usher and Shih Tzu (I think that’s his name--some sort of dog).

Schnauzer? Scooby-Doo? It's on the tip of my tongue

Let us rejoice that this event you just learned about happened, in the unlikely event that anyone of you actually care about it as much as me... Enjoy the fruit basket!


Well wait, not really.


  1. I hope Felicia got her Fruit Basket...

  2. I haven't, actually! What a dissappointment! I should write a letter...

  3. What a jerk! Oh and it's Pit Bull... Pit Bull is the Rapper...

  4. I'm still working on it! It's not so much the fruit part that's the problem, it's the matter of obtaining a proper sized basket...