HomeFunishingDisneyLand!

News has spread throughout the little town of Denver in which I live with my parents... that an Ikea store will be opening in my little state of Colorado. I've said little because leading scientists have been arguing that the store just would not fit in 104,098 sq feet. Despite these warnings, Ikea still opened up by Park Meadows, or 20 minutes by

car from my house. Now I'll be honest. I'd never head of this "Ikea" business. But I figured with so much hype, it had to be something to behold. So I will attend the store this week. I'm concerned, however, because I've heard reports of 45,000 people in attendance. 45,000? That's almost as many people as there are people in France (of course only when counting the French by the 3/5 Compromise of 1787).

Anyways, if I'm going to take on the exodus to Ikea, I'm going prepared. Yep, that's right. Full camping gear. I have included extra water, a sleeping bag, a tent, and of course bear repellent (you can never be too careful). I know what you're thinking right now... You're thinking something like, Nick you are sooooo stu....pendous! Yes... you're admiring my genius, I know its hard to resist. Well, now I'm prepared fully and just need a buddy (buddy system saves lives) and I'll be off with more to report after the adventure.

Well it's done. I've been to Ikea. First thing I noticed was that I felt like I was going to the airport. We had traffic directors and had to park a quarter of a mile away from anything useful. But when I finally entered I saw what everyone was so excited about. It was actually pretty cool. It was like every singe house I would never be able to afford were all for sale in one place!

My biggest complaint comes from how easy it is to get lost and/or lose your buddies... Which happened quickly in my case. but its ok because they have these handy maps that let you know exactly where you are in the building. They're very easy to read. The Blue is the infinite soul-sucking darkness more IKEA and the orange dot is where you are right now.

WHAT?! Where am I?! Scratch that. The maps don't help at all if you aren't a professional cartographer! It was official, I was lost. I had no idea where I was and I'll admit it. I was scared. So I ran to the nearest employee and told her my woes.

"Excuse me, I need some help!"

"Okay, what are you purchasing?"

"Purchasing? Nothing, I just want---"

"Oh I'm sorry, with the large number of people visiting, I can only help paying customers, not someone who's just loitering about..."
"Loitering... progressively... Okay fine! Whats the cheapest thing you sell?"
"That ottoman."

"Wait... the cheapest thing you sell is $1700? Fine... I'll take it. Just show me the way."

I knew my plan was foolproof. She wound her way through the endless secret passage ways that when I looked at the floor I realized weren't all that secret at all, you just followed the arrows, something most people had trouble with.

Finally she led me around a bend that led to a warehouse all of the sudden.

With enormous false advertising... Not actual size?! 50 cents? You're outta line...

We reached the check out counters and she turned to look at me. I was looking beyond her to the exit... Her eyes narrowed, BUT TOO LATE! I had already propelled the overpriced footstool toward her face and made a dash for the exit! Freedom at last! I thought to myself... "Hey... That was pretty fun... Next time I should by a hotdog..."

Now to be fair. IKEA was actually pretty well priced. I was overall impressed with how cheap it was. Also, I didn't really get lost... Well... yes I did. But not for all that long. And I was only separated from my buddies for a few minutes, because they were hiding from me. Fortunately, Kelsey's laugh carries very well and they were easy to find. I would like to Thank Robyn for taking all the pictures and keeping me safe.

Well til next time. See ya!

Big Macs and Bigger Brats

Ahoy Loitrons! I have returned from the abyss to once again grace the pages of this blog with my witty semantics.

This summer, I’ve been working two jobs, one of which is at a tennis camp, teaching young kids to play a sport that they can enjoy and treasure for the rest of their life, and the other is McDonald’s. So in a way, my total contribution to the world is zero after those two cancel each other out.

Pictured: My fault

McDonald’s is a rather boring job. Most of it is just standing around, trying to avoid doing anything and most of the time succeeding. If the cabinet is low on something, you make more of it. If someone orders something, you make it. If someone orders a breakfast sandwich, you get someone else to do it because they were too lazy to train me how to make a McGriddle and there’s no way I’m gonna study how to do that because I’m American now (oh yeah, I'll write about that next time) and that means I don’t need to take that from these Canadians. So far, the most interesting fact I’ve discovered about McDonald’s is that you don’t actually have to ever flip burgers while working there. The grill is a double-sided clamshell, so literally all you have to do is get some patties, get the grill on the right setting, put the patties on the grill, and press the black button. The job is so easy I’m pretty sure it’ll be done by robots by November.

Literally the best picture of a McD's grill I could find. GOOGLE IMAGE FAIL

The worst part about the job is the heat. Just greasy, stinking heat. When I get off the job, I have to scrape off the layer of oil that collects on my face and send it back to the store so they can use it for the fry vats. The uniform doesn't help.

BA-DA BA BA BA

The tennis job is a little more challenging, and this week, even hotter than a McDonald’s kitchen. A lot of you are wondering how teaching tennis could be worse than McDonald’s, but a Big Mac patty doesn’t run away from you while tossing marbles at your face when you’re trying to put it on the bun. 7 year olds do that when you’re trying to get them to play a game. If you like kids, do not work a job taking care of them, because you want to still like kids once you have some of your own. If my own kids do half the stuff that some of the tennis kids I teach do, they’re getting sent to Siberia. Example:

-Taking the tennis basket on a 90 mph road trip around the court

-Removing balls from the basket when I’m standing right there, asking them to stop

-Removing balls from the basket when I’m physically blocking the basket while asking them to stop

-Removing balls from the basket when I’m pulling balls out of their hands while physically blocking the basket while asking them to stop

-FOR THE LOVE OF COD STOP TAKING BALLS OUT OF THE BASKET

-Throwing the aforementioned balls onto Rosedale Valley Road behind the courts

-Kids suck

-Running off court

-Running away from me

-TALKING BACK OH MY GOURD IF ONE MORE 8 YEAR OLD TALKS BACK TO ME LIKE I’M THE IDIOT. YOUR BRAIN IS AT LEAST AN EIGHTH THE SIZE OF MINE, PROBABLY LESS. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW STUPID YOU ARE, THAT’S HOW STUPID YOU ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT? NEW RULE: NO MORE KIDS. JUST NO MORE. I SUGGEST ALL KIDS BE LOCKED IN CRATES UNTIL THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS HUMAN BEINGS. THESE ARE NOT HUMANS! THESE ARE OVERSIZED HAMSTERS! TAKE THEM BACK NOW PLEASE OH ZOD WHY

RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ok….ok, I’m gonna go….cool off a bit. And get a new shirt. I’ll see you all later, and remember, overpopulation is a growing problem!

GO ADULTHOOD