The Dog Blog

Dogs are awesome. Everyone knows this, and those who deny it are tools who probably only have their cats to keep them company. Cats suck.

Tehy don't even has baysic gramr skilz!

To start this discussion of dogs, let me show you all the cutest dog in the world. Her name is Maggie, and she looks like this.

Awww!!

Look at dat face!!!

Yes, I happen to be the owner of the cutest dog in the world. Nick will probably disagree, but that's only because he's jealous and he knows it. But despite being this cute, Maggie is not what could be considered a “good” dog. In fact, let's not even sugarcoat it. Maggie is insane. Behind those eyes is half a brain of mental instability, borderline psychopathy, and outright stupidity.

HI You guys! You're probably aware, but this is not my post... This is James'. But I can't help but notice that I make quite a few appearances in it so I thought it would be helpful if I explain everything. And I'm the all powerful administrator so I can do things like that... Pretty much wherever you see italics... That's me again! Well, here we go.

I'm really not sure why my dog is so antisocial and homicidal towards anyone who is not our family, but I think it's more than simply bad training. We've tried trainers, books, even a freaking shock collar. All have failed in the long term. She still approaches any stranger and most other dogs with a nice “I'm going to rip your face off” roar, accompanied by a full speed charge unless I'm there to pull her back. People fear my dog. I get less dirty looks from passers-by when I walk past them in only my underwear while shooting repeated hits of heroin. I mean, IF I did that...which I don't...

ANYWAY

This information in mind, I'd like to recount some of my more exciting encounters with Canis lupus familiaris. Maggie makes an appearance in some of these, but unfortunately she's not the only psychopathic canine I've had to deal with in my life. Let's begin.

1. Maggie tries to kill Belle

Nick and his family will probably remember this rather horrific event. Back when Nick and I were in elementary school and life was simpler, we realized that we both had poodles. Nick had Belle, probably one of the sweetest dogs ever to have existed, and I had Maggie, who was about 2 at the time and was already proving to be quite the opposite. At this point in her life, we were learning she wasn't quite right in the head, but had no idea to what extent. So when it was suggested we have our dogs meet and play together, all parties thought this was a great idea. What could go wrong?

It's been years since this happened, but I still clearly remember how it went. My mom pulled up to pick me up from DI practice at Nick's house, and brought Maggie out of the car, without a leash(Sweet Lord we were dumb back then). Maggie runs up to Belle, they stand off for a second, and Maggie goes into deathmatch fury, complete with her trademark ferocious barking and what definitely appeared to be an attempt to end Belle's life. This was completely unprovoked, and against a dog that posed absolutely no threat. Somehow, and luckily, we were able to control our idiotic psychopath before any real damage occurred. Poor Belle was left cowering behind Nick's mom, and my mom and I stood in utter embarrassment, shocked by the sudden revelation that our rather new dog was a volatile maniac. If you can hear me in doggy heaven Belle, I'm sorry.

Oh Wallace, you're so thoughtful

2. Maggie tries to kill bikers

For this entry, it's hard to narrow down to one specific event. Maggie has incited the rage of many a biker by her unrestrained urge to horribly mutilate anyone traveling on a bike, scooter, or even jogging. Often this happens when she escapes from the house. Maggie knows how to open unlocked doors with handles. Quite conveniently, every door in my house has a handle rather than a knob. Having escaped from the house one time, I was trying to coax her back when a biker went by. My heart stopped as I watched my dog enter a homicidal chase after the man, then I sprinted in pursuit. She nipped at his leg, tearing his sock. Though I was able to get her under control, the guy was so furious he filed a report with animal control. Luckily, they weren't interested in euthanizing her, but she wasn't allowed to leave our property for 10 days.

3. Coyotes try to kill Maggie (twice)

In what is no doubt canine karma, Maggie has experienced two attacks by coyotes. I have yet to witness one, but I have seen the aftermath, and have had to take the injured poodle to an animal hospital. It's probably the only setting where Maggie is not completely embarrassing to deal with, usually because she's completely freaked out into submission. But anyway, the moral of this story is don't be a homicidal psychopath, because coyotes are, and they will try to eat you. Coyotes suck.

Pathetic.

4. Pat's dog tries to kill me

In what is quite possibly retribution for Maggie almost killing his dog, Nick almost got me my head ripped off by Pat's intimidating German Shepherd, Charlie. We were playing roller hockey in Nick's driveway, when I accidentally sprayed a shot into Pat's yard. Despite it being visibly guarded by Charlie, I was forced to retrieve the thing. (Its tough to ignore peer pressure... 'go get the ball, James... go get the ball...) Upon running into the yard and picking up the ball, I raise my head enough to see Charlie charging me with homicide in his eyes. He wasn't even barking, it was all kill. I don't think I've run faster in my life, and narrowly avoided having my trachea removed from my neck. This brings us to our final incident.

5. Nick's other neighbor's dog tries to kill me

In case you didn't know, Nick and Pat want me dead. Nearly all of my most serious injuries have occurred while in their company. (What?! That's not true! Lets see... We've dropped you on your head straining your back/neck twice, had you flip over your bike to avoid hitting that car, had you get attacked by dogs twice, burned you a couple times, and tried to break your nose but only managed to get you sent to ski patrol temporarily... But that's all! That's not way too bad though!) This one is probably the closest they've come to actually killing me, if it weren't for my superhero-like reflexes.

Btw guys, I'm Spider-man, but keep it on the DL

In this incident, I again had to retrieve a ball. This time it was a tennis ball, which for some reason was so valuable that I was obliged to risk my life to get it back. This yard was guarded by a similarly terrifying black lab. It's easier to explain this in play-by-play style.

-Ball goes into yard. Nick and Pat convince me to retrieve it ('Go get the ball James, Go get the ball...), claiming they'll distract the dog

-Plan goes into action: I run to get ball, Nick and Pat “distract” dog.

I think we distracted him enough... We got him all the way to the other side

-Literally the moment my hand grasps the ball, I hear cries of “JAMES!!!! JAMES!!!!! RUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!”

-I spin around to see the large black lab flying blitzkrieg towards me.

-Knowing I can't run fast enough to escape, I stand my ground for a split second and contemplate if I'll get into heaven. Suddenly, I very strongly regret not going to church last Sunday.

-Right as the dog gets close enough to rip my head off, I jump to the side. The dog runs full speed into the bush behind me.

-Immediately, I book it. The dog regains its footing and gives chase again, but I'm able to get out of the yard in time.

I must say that James' second dodge of Aspen's attack was quite impressive. He somehow managed to pull this Michael Jackson-esque toe stance during a full sprint... And that dog was on a mission, he would've had James in the knees two seconds later...

-Nick and Pat laugh heartily, inwardly cursing that their plan had once again failed.

I know this sounds exaggerated, but it is 100% true. I guarantee it. Nick and Pat can attest to it. It was both one of the most extreme moments of sheer terror I've ever experienced, and one of the greatest moments of bada**-ery that I have ever displayed. I guess the lesson here is don't run onto property that is guarded by homicidal canines, and never put cheese on seafood pasta. Ever!

I guess I should also thank Nick for his...creative commentary.