Dear John

Well, My roommate from last semester, Lebron James, issued a challenge upon leaving for his mission. Whoever sends him the best "Dear John" letter wins a... um... car I believe. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that he was only referring to girls when he issued the challenge. Unfortunately, he knows me! A man with way too much time and no hesitation to do things that are borderline homosexual.

So suffice it to say, a competition was more than enough motivation for me to begin flooding him with Dear John letters. I'm not sure how many I have written so far... somewhere around 6... but this was my favorite so far. Enjoy.

Dear Mr. Elder Orton,

We regret to inform you that your request to join Nick Evans on his honeymoon has been denied. While we were impressed with your background and experience, we have concluded that another candidate's qualifications more closely match our requirements. We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you this position at this time.

You have our best wishes for success in locating the opportunity you deserve. In the event of an appropriate available position, we will not hesitate to contact you; however, we would not encourage you to apply again within the next eternity as your resume will be denied.

We appreciate your interest and the time you have invested in interviewing with AnyCompany.

Very truly yours,

Nick Evans
Human Resources

Unicorns, Magic, and Yours Truly!

Progressive Loitering could not be, were it not for our sponsors; therefore, we would like to send out a special thank you to Behind the Mist. This is how it works, my very own madre wrote a trilogy. Its called The Mist trilogy with Behind the Mist being the first book in the series. Without mi madre, Progressive Loitering would probably not exist. At least it wouldn't include me... So here is my review of Behind the Mist.

Behind the Mist follows a character named Nick (to be cast as Shia LeBouf in upcoming movie (I thought about choosing someone manlier... but the image of Vin Diesel riding a unicorn just didn't fit.)) who travels to Colorado to ride horses. Now let me start by praising the protagonist of the series. Nick is basically perfect in every way. Everything you could want from a main character. Fun-loving, funny, and of course Devilishly handsome.

Now back to the plot of the whole novel. Basically (*SPOILER ALERT*) Nick and his favorite horse, Jazz, fall off of a cliff and when Nick wakes up, he finds himself, and Jazz, in the Land Behind the Mist. Nick is the only human in Celestia, but quickly learns that there was one other before him who is now the slave of the Evil League of Evil's bad bad Leroy Brown of a Bad Horse, Hasbandana. Nick knows he must use his new magical powers to save the girl from the evil Unicorn's clutches.

My review of the book: It was really good. Really. Was it necessarily the greatest novel ever written, no. But was it a solid piece of writing with imaginative storytelling and unique ideas? Yes. Was it captivating, well-written, and organized? Absolutely! I really enjoyed this whole book. And, not to brag, but I even got to have the author read it to me out loud! Well. Most of it anyways. All in all, I give Behind the Mist (Book 1 of the Mist Trilogy) 5 miniature unicorn glass figurines out of 5.

If you're looking for a good fantasy, especially for early teens and pre-teens. Look at: www.behindthemist.com for details on ordering and some samples of the story. Also check out: www.themisttrilogy.blogspot.com

Foreshadow: The second book is even better than the first!

Runs around the fields and hills with sticks

Progressive Loitering seems to have lost its most important fans… the authors. But look at nicks last post! Im Nicole Egan! Yes! Last time I wrote on this was… um… not this month… not the month before that… not the month… oh yeah. Id get fired if I wasn’t following the trend of everyone else! So much has changed since then! Time flies. Especially if there’s a boy involved. But when a relationship ends up on the rocks what else can you do but post! Post! Post!

Alright so lets take care of business. Are Nick’s choice of movies a little weird? Movie collections… Up until last time I posted I had one movie. And that was 500 days of summer. I’m a girl. But now! I have added Knight and Day, Scott Pilgrim, About a Boy, and Inception to that list. SO I am well on my way to an all out collection! I think the movies someone owns tell a lot about them. SO THIS IS WHAT WERE GONNA DO TODAY.

Lets see, Momento: A man, suffering from short-term memory loss, uses notes and tattoos to hunt for the man he thinks killed his wife. This says… that Nick is a detective! He either wants to be ready to solve the mystery of his dead wife or he wants to kill someones wife and know what not to do. Nick doesn’t have the best memory so maybe he is just trying to cope with that.

The Dark Knight: This is a popular one. So this means Nick follows the crowd.

LOTR Trilogy: This means that Nick runs around the fields and hills with sticks and pretends to be Frodo.

The Best Two Years: this one is probably self explanatory.

Fantastic Mr. Fox: An urbane fox cannot resist returning to his farm raiding ways and then must help his community survive the farmers' retaliation. This here says so much. I am not sure. The cover might help us on this one.

Hm. Still not sure.

The Truman Show: This is a good movie! But sadly for nick it says that he is very Paranoid. It will probably take over his life.

October Sky: This means Nick has a lot of feelings.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Two warriors in pursuit of a stolen sword and a notorious fugitive are led to an impetuous, physically-skilled, teenage nobleman's daughter, who is at a crossroads in her life. This means Nick aspires to be a Hero.

The Illusionist: In turn-of-the-century Vienna, a magician uses his abilities to secure the love of a woman far above his social standing. This means Nick believes in magic and love. And that he is a sap.

War: I think this is a snowboarding movie… with some war… this means Nick wants to take over the world with his snowboard.

I know Nick very well and this is all exceptionally accurate. Therefore my theory that movie collections tell about the person who owns it is correct. Thank you.

My Top Tens

Movies That I Own

1 Memento

2 The Dark Knight

3 LOTR trilogy

4 The Best Two Years (The Mormon Movie of Mormon Movies)

5 Fantastic Mr. Fox

6 The Truman Show

7 October Sky

8 Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

9 The Illusionist

10 War (by Poor Boyz Productions)

College Football Field Colors

1 Blue (Boise State)

2 Green (Pitt)

3 Green (Florida State)

4 Green (BYU)

5 Green (Hobart and William Smith)

6 Green (Iowa)

7 Green (UNC)

8 Green (Yale)

9 Green (Oregon State)

10 Green (Clemson)

Dog breeds that have acquired sainthood

1 St Bernard

2 - 10 Oh... um...?

Fun Things to do with Nicole Egan

1 Shopping

2 Long Boarding

3 Racing Rubber Ducks

4 Not responding to important texts

5 Balloon animals

6 Playing Wallyball

7 American Heritage Movies

8 Ex Stories

9 Wander around campus and find free food

10 NSO

People I liked until I saw a movie about them

1 Mark Zuckerberg

2 Penny Chenery Tweedy

3 Marathon Runners (Spirit of the Runner)

4 Ghost Rider

5 Nazi's (dang it boy in the striped pjs!)

6 Mozart

7 Emperor Palpatine

8 The O-zone

9 - 10 ?

Lies based on frequency of use

1 LOL

2 I have read and agree to terms of use

3 Nothing (As in what are you doing?)

4 No, I don't want fries with that

5 I didn't like (insert latest Pixar movie)

6 I hate drama

7 Public Servant

8 I Don't illegally download music!

9 HUGE SAVINGS

10 This might pinch just a little (at hospital)

Japanese cities the US has dropped Atomic bombs on

1 Hiroshima

2 Nagasake

3 - 10 (Wait... there are 10? And what am I ranking these based on anyways?! I'm an awful person)

Overplayed songs

1 Bad Day - Daniel Powter

2 The Reason - Hoobastank

3 Any song by Green Day that is aired at all.

4 Everything on 107.5 (Motto: If it hasn't been overplayed, it will be. If it has been, it hasn't (see previous).)

5 Anything that Lady Gaga touches

6 Macarena - Los del Río

7 One way or another - Blondie

8 Fly like an Eagle - Steve Miller Band

9 Don't stop Believin' - Journey

10 Hey There Delilah - Plain White Tee's

UPDATE-CO!

I got me a job.... Yup. Its true. I'm back home again, and had to resort to manuel labor to finally find someone who would hire me, despite best efforts. I swear online applications are completely useless! but I did them anyways... And shoot, they take forever! I must have spent the better part of a week on 15 or so applications... and... youtube...

But that's all beside the point. I have a job doing some manufaturing up at a steel mill up in Commerce City. By job I mean, moving heavy metal things and trying my best not to die, so far with moderate success. We use what we refer to as an overhead crane (pictured above) to move huge pieces of metal above our heads. Its a more suited change of pace towards my naturally lazy-American-self. I have migrated from moving things by hand, to making machines do the work for me! Its no wonder that this group of non-English-speaking illegals strike me as more intellegent than those at the moving company. (*"Guys, I had a thought... What if... instead of carrying these... we use those giant crane things up there to do it for us?")

Speaking of laziness, if you are wondering if you can match or even exceed my laziness, first you must outperform these measures:

1) Are you so lazy, that you actually loose weight because the cupboards are too far away from the couch, or because Little Ceazer's doesn't deliver, and the store is over a block away? I lost 14 pounds last semester, and I promise you that it wasn't from diet or exercise. (Although it is partly my lack of any money whatsoever, and Taco Bell's refusal to barter tacos for used Text Books. What a bunch of hypocrites...)

2) Are you willing to brave sub-0 degree (in F) weather in a T-shirt because you don't want to run up a flight of stairs to get a jacket. (And that's not even to mention the things I've done to avoid getting shoes)

3) Have items within your vision been too far away to go get? I'm actually not making this up, I was watching TV the other day when a commercial came on advertising this new devise that combines your TV and internet so that, "...now you don't need to get up and walk all the way to your computer to check your Facebook..." I couldn't believe a device this is on the market. I mean really? All the way to the computer? What in your front room? Obviously, America has done something right to receive this great blessing from Heaven!

And final food for thought, Why in the new Captain America trailer... is the chick British. Not the actress, listen to the accent. Why, in the expanded universe, would a British chick be in a Captain America movie? Do I need to emphasize America more? I mean I'm lazy... but I don't want to even meet the guy who did that...

Now I'll leave you with a fitting quote from one of my favorite movies, Fantastic Mr. Fox.

They say all foxes are slightly allergic to linoleum -- but it’s cool to the paw. Try it. They say my tail needs to be dry-cleaned twice a month -- but it’s now fullydetachable. See? They say our tree may never grow back -- but, one day, something will. Yes, these Crackles are made out of synthetic goose, and these Giblets come from artificial squab, and even these apples look fake -- but at least they've got stars on them. I guess my point is -- we'll eat tonight, and we'll eat together, and even in this not particularly flattering light, you are without a doubt, the five-and-a-half most wonderful wild animals I’ve ever met in my life. So let’s raise our boxes to our survival."

Merry Christmas

Happy Christmas to you in Britain.
Feliz Navidad if you hablas espanol.
Frohe Weihnachten - German
Gezuar Krishtlindjet - Albanian
Fete Nwel - Hatain Creole (For Jake)
Bon Nadal - Catalan
Vesale Vanoce - Dutch
Selamat Hari Krismas - Malay

And of course Merry Christmas to all of you in North America that I like!

We gave him an Asian drink

I am here to save nick from over exerting himself and talking too much. I am here. Nick informs me what I write is HIT OR MISS! Wtf. I HAVE A MILLION HITS. Everybody loves me. Okay now that that is cleared up. I have an issue. Nick also said that my best post was the bicycle bob one… for any of you less than perfect fans ill have you know that was A YEAR AGO. That means I’ve had a year of dead… BUT Bicycle Bob was still good so in celebration of Bicycle Bob! Today I will tell you about Bums. Between five and six hundred thousand people are considered homeless at any given time in America. 60% of those are single men. So is a bum just someone who is homeless? No… that would be very stereotypical and would probably offend my friends.

ONE TIME. Me and my friends… (these friends were a few fries short of a happy meal if you know what I mean) threw a TV over an overpass into this tunnel that ran along side a river. Two of my friends were down below and when I yelled can we drop it the river was so loud that I didn’t hear them yell NO DON’T DROP IT. So we dropped it. And we started to run down to see. We thought it might have magic glitter coming out of it. But then my two friends are running back up like no no run run and this crazy guy was chasing them with a piece of the TV. Jk. They were yelling no no theres someone down there. We thought we were in trouble so we peeled out in our pre planned get away car. We went back the next day to clean up the TV and saw that someone was living under the bridge. SO always check for Bums before tossing your TV. They live under bridges.

ANOTHER TIME. We found this very talkative bum who sold us a packet of jokes for like 5 bucks. Jk I wasn’t there but my friend was and the jokes were really funny. SO Bums are funny.

THIS TIME. We talked to this bum who was telling us how sick they were and we gave him an asian drink and said it would make him better. Im telling the truth to you but we might’ve been just kidding to the bum because we aren’t doctors and the drink had no english on it. SO Bums are trusting.

THIS TIME IN SALT LAKE. We stood in line for like an hour to get this bum a hot dog. SO bums are hungry. And I have a lot of time.

THE BEST TIMES. These previous times were in Utah. But the BEST TIMES were with as you know the famous Bicycle Bob in Latrobe, PA. You’ll have to see The Legend of Bicycle Bob post for that. SO Bums are more popular when they have bikes and nicknames and are one of the few in a town. Oh P town why don’t you give your bums bikes.

So Homeless people spend a lot of time in jail and in the hospital. I feel bad I see them on their good days. Who bails them out of jail? Who visits them in the hospital? Do they have bum friends? Because they are always alone and have issues so I don’t think so. This is depressing. Sorry maybe I’ll get my hit next time. I have to go save the world or something now. I recycle… and sometime I carry my groceries without bags… eh…oh… uh… Nothing will be enough.